Ok, so I know that I haven’t posted in a while. Don’t worry, nothing went wrong. Everything is going super-duper right. But… it is different. Let me explain.
Over the last few months, I’ve, once again, gone through a whole buttload of changes and shifts. It’s been Shiftapalooza over here in Melody land. And, as those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time (thank you!!) will have noticed, every time I go through a major shift, so does my blog. I tend to stop publishing when I’m in the midst of a massive transition. And once it’s done, I have some kind of epiphany about what I need to start doing differently in order to express who I really am in a bigger, even more authentic way.
I’ve been holding back
Well, this time is no different. I’ve come out of this shift with some new clarity: I’ve been holding back. I didn’t do it on purpose. And I didn’t even know I was doing it, but I have been. The epiphany came during a conversation with someone at a business conference. We were laughing and joking around, being silly and snarky, and he suddenly stopped, and looked at me and said, “You should tweet everything you say”. To which I immediately (and not fully consciously) answered: “Na, I’m a lot snarkier in my personal life than I am publicly”.
The thing is, I heard myself say this. And later, when I was alone and had time to dissect, I asked myself why that was? Why weren’t my personal and public persona the same? They were nearly the same, but not completely. The truth was, I WAS a lot snarkier in my personal life. And with my private clients. And by snarkier, of course, I mean more honest.
You see, what I consider “snark” isn’t what most people would call it. I’m not mean or nasty or judgmental. It’s not even sarcasm (although I LOVE sarcasm when I’m playing with someone who loves it, too). When I sat down and felt it through, I realized that my snark is really just my strong, passionate opinion. It’s my point of view. And, once I admitted that, I began to see that my point of view, my perspective, is what I stand for. Because my opinions aren’t someone else’s. They’re not conclusions that I just adopted somehow. They’re well thought through, based on evidence and experience. I often spend a great deal of time figuring out what my actual opinion on something is – dissecting the problem and then finding a good feeling solution (or at least perspective) that I then choose to adopt as my own. And I do this process over and over again, since any new data might lead to a different conclusion or opinion. This is the stuff I choose to believe. This is the stuff that gets me fired up on a day to day basis. This is the stuff that makes my heart sing. And sometimes weep.
I’m not Zen, goddammit
You see, I’m not really all that Zen. And as a spiritual teacher, admitting that puts me in a very small group. Sure, I’m a happy shiny puppy almost all of the time. My life is pretty phenomenal, and I know it. And I’m more empowered than I’ve ever been. I do my best to adopt a good feeling, love-based perspective as much as I can.
But… it’s a process. Even for me. When I look at the world and what’s going on in it, sometimes my heart breaks. It might take me a while to find my balance again. Sometimes it happens quickly and easily, but sometimes, I fall in a hole for a bit and have to climb my way back out. Of course, I know that I can, and I know how, which is the empowering bit. But that doesn’t change that I still have to do it. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I get a total rage boner. And even though I’ve never had a problem admitting this privately, and with my private clients, I haven’t done a lot of that publicly.
Why not? Because, and this is one of the bits I discovered, I was afraid. It wasn’t a logical fear. I’m not afraid of trolls, or of people who disagree with me or want to judge me. I’m not afraid anything bad will happen to me. I cleared all of that long ago.
I was afraid of fighting for the light. I was afraid of representing the light. I was afraid of truly being a leader.
What’s been bothering me
You see, as I’ve been looking around the world lately, and especially from my view from within the U.S. over the last 2.5 years, I’ve gotten a much more intimate view of the fear, hatred, and judgment that are so rampant in our world today. It’s a lot easier to keep your balance when you’re looking at things from afar. But up close and personal, when you can see the blood shot eyes and the gnashing teeth of the “monster” you’re trying to love into healing, it can be a bit more of a challenge.
I now know that I was called back to the U.S. in order to get this close up view. To get up close and personal with the “darkness”. And to light it the fuck up.
As I sat with myself these last few weeks, I realized that something was REALLY, REALLY bothering me. And it still is. I’m tired of all the hatred. I’m tired of the lies (both intentional and unintentional). I’m tired of inauthenticity. I’m tired of fear. I’m tired of manipulation masquerading as kindness. I’m tired of the cruelty. I’m tired of the judgment. And even though none of these things are really present in my personal reality, I’m very aware of them in the wider world. And I’m tired of them. I’m tired of people who are writhing around in the dark, in the fog, in their pain, and trying to spread that pain, getting all the airtime. I’m tired of people feeling powerless and hopeless. And I’m tired of the message, that the only two options we really have is to suppress the pain or spread the pain, being so ubiquitous that it’s drowning out almost everything else.
But what I’m really tired of, is that I haven’t been doing much about it.
Where are the leaders?
I asked myself, “Where are the leaders? Where are the leaders of the light? Where are those who stand for love, for inclusiveness, for compassion and kindness? Where are those who will shine their light bravely, so that others might see? Where are the voices of reason? Where are those who will stand on the big stage and offer a better feeling perspective?”
And then, it dawned on me. I’m one of them. I’ve known that for a long time, at least to some degree. But I haven’t been BEING one of them. Sure, I’ve been shining my light. I’m not trying to claim that I haven’t. I’ve been doing my best. But now, it’s time to do even better. Now, it’s time to step up. Now it’s time to fight.
Because this is a battle. Not a bloody battle. Not a battle where one side loses and one side wins. An internal battle. It’s a battle of determination and perseverance. It’s a battle of courage. Because it takes a tremendous amount of courage to stand up and declare that you believe something. In public. It takes courage to stand your ground. It takes courage to choose love. To choose the light. To be the light. Even if, and especially if, you’re surrounded by darkness. Even if, and especially if, you feel like you’re alone, standing with your one skinny candle in a vast expanse of lightless night.
I know that there are many out there, I call them the “Silent Majority” who don’t agree with hate. They don’t want hate. But they’re too afraid to say much because right now, it can seem like there’s much more permission to express hate than to express love. It’s actually still safer, in some circles, to hate. And no one really knows how to fix it.
It’s not about pushing against
I realized something else during these last few weeks: I was trapped. I had trapped myself between two seemingly opposing forces. One was my desire to help, my desire to actively make the world a better place. I’ve always loved getting my hands “dirty” so to speak. But the other force was the belief that, as an enlightened teacher or whatever, I had to try and do all of this in a soft, non-threatening, whisper voiced way. Yeah, yeah, I know, I haven’t exactly been hitting that note either. Basically, the belief said that I wasn’t allowed to fight. That fighting was a violent, old-world energy way of dealing with things.
But it isn’t. Not necessarily. Fear based fighting, defensiveness, oppression and violence are old-world energy ways of dealing with things. But fighting can also simply mean passionately standing up for what you believe in. It’s not about convincing anyone. It’s not about pushing against anyone, or their right to feel the way they do (yes, even if they feel hateful). It’s not about saving anyone, either.
It’s about standing up for what we believe in and not being intimidated or scared. It’s about choosing love and light, and then sharing that with others – those who want to hear (it’s not about evangelizing). In some ways, it’s about volume.
Instead of whispering words of hope and love, softly so as not to intimidate anyone, I want to shout them to the world. I want to stand on the mountain top, not with a drawn sword, but with a big ass, fiery torch that can be seen from miles around. Determined. Immovable. Resolute.
And if others see that light, and it gives them hope, or they use that to give themselves permission to get out and dust off their own torch, then all the better.
So… what does this mean?
You’re going to see some changes around here (again! Ha.). Starting this Sunday, you’re going to see a slightly different kind of video/blog post from me. I’m going to talk about a dark subject that’s currently in the news, and I’m going to bring light to it. I’ve dusted off my soap box for this one, and I have a feeling I’m not going to be putting that away anytime soon.
I’m not entirely sure what exact form any of this will take going forward. All I know is that I’m tired of hiding my big ass light. And now that I know that I’m tired of it (and that there was some hiding going on in the first place), I’m putting a stop to that shit right here. I’m turning up the volume. I’m stepping up. I’m no longer afraid. And goddammit, I’m definitely not Zen. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Who’s with me?
A little PS: As I’m writing this, I’ve become fully aware of those of you who have been waiting for me to finally “get” this. Some of you might not have known that you were waiting and might only now recognize that you were. And even if you didn’t realize it, if you’re reading this and enjoying it, you totally were.
I can’t even express how much I appreciate you being in my reality and being willing to play with me. You are the lights I look for in the darkness, the ones that give ME hope, the ones that help me to KNOW that we’re in the midst of a massive transition from dark to light, from fear to love. It may seem like I’m here for you, but you’re also here for me. And you’re more valuable to me than I have the ability to express in words.
So, and I hope you really hear the meaning of this, THANK YOU, for bringing your light to this world. To my world.
Smooshy, smooshy hugs,