Bullying. It’s a huge problem in our world today. Of course, there have always been bullies, but we’ve become more aware of it in the last few years. And less tolerant of it. We’re not willing to just look away anymore, and rightly so.
But, why do we attract bullies? What’s the belief system that creates that whole sorry mess on both sides? And, most importantly, how can we stop the cycle? Is it ok to stand up to a bully, or are we supposed to have compassion for them? Is it ok to fight back?
I cover all that and more in today’s video.
Coaching Call #261 is out! The topic of this week’s call is: How Can She Get the Money to Buy the House She Rents?
This caller rents the perfect house in a perfect location, but now the owner wants to sell it, and unfortunately this caller doesn’t have the money to buy it. She believes in the Law of Attraction, but when things aren’t coming together, she allows her vibration to dip, which she thinks is sabotaging her efforts to manifest the money she needs. When the owner comes around to discuss the house, she tries to stay positive, but she always gets triggered and once again her vibration dips.
How can she stay positive and keep her energy high, when her reality right now is that she doesn’t have the money to buy this house? What can she do that will help her to see herself owning the house, instead of renting it? And, how can she stay in control and feel more powerful when seeing the owner makes her realize that she doesn’t own the house….yet?
This call is for anyone who feels that they are not in control of a situation, and that someone who has more authority than they do, can take something they want away from them.
Today, I want to talk to you about the subject of bullying, particularly if you’re being bullied, or if you know someone who’s being bullied, or possibly even if you’ve been guilty of bullying yourself. I want to bring a little bit more understanding to the subject, shine some light on it and hopefully, also give you a little bit of advice.
What causes bullying?
From an energy point of view, what’s actually going on when somebody’s getting bullied? I’m sure you’ve read that bullies are incredibly insecure people, that victims victimize, and so the “chain of pain” continues. And yes, that’s all true; bullies feel just as powerless as their victims. They’re actually two sides of the same coin. They’re both stuck in the same part on the spectrum of empowerment (if you don’t know what that means, it a term from my book, which you might want to go and grab if you haven’t already). Basically, what happens is this: We go from feeling incredibly powerless to fully empowered. And somewhere on that spectrum, in the lower part of the spectrum, is the part where we get manipulative behaviour as well as the people who are manipulatable. Those two complimentary behaviors are both in the same section, with one being a little bit lower on the spectrum and the other a little bit higher on the spectrum. But they both feel powerless.
When people manipulate, and bullying is a form of manipulation, they try to gain a little bit more power by overpowering somebody else or by getting that person to do something for them that they don’t want to do. It can be subtle or it can be really blatant, and it can even get physical. The victim is somebody who is in their fear, for whatever reason (insert reasons here; they’re infinite), who is in their powerlessness, and who is willing to cater to that kind of manipulative energy, which is what draws it to them in the first place.
How do we become a victim to bullying?
The victim of bullying is generally not very good at setting boundaries, and is therefore often a victim of manipulation in many different ways, from the different people in their lives. You may want to chalk it all up to bad self-esteem, but bad self-esteem is usually a result of powerlessness not the cause of it. So, both the perpetrator and the victim are in the same section of the spectrum of empowerment. What that means is that both of them are trying to gain their power. One by withdrawing from the threat and the other one by trying to be overpowering. It might surprise you a little to learn this, but bullies are often trying to overpower a threat; they often pick on somebody who they find threatening. Not generally physically threatening, but possibly ideologically threatening in some way. That person represents something to them that feels threatening and it can be as simple as this: Somebody who they feel has more freedom than they do to be who they are. And a lot of the time this is why people pick on people who are different. But here’s the thing: We’re all different; we’re all weird. Let’s just get that out of the way, right away: We’re all huge, giant, fucking weirdos. However, a lot of us won’t allow ourselves to own that, so we try to hide it. Because we think if the world sees just how weird we are, the world will reject us, and come after us with pitchforks. Some of us, though, can’t hide it all that well. It kind of squishes out of us at an early age. The way I like to think about it is this: it’s like we’re in a black and white world and everybody’s got all this color inside of them, and the color just kind of squishes out a little bit. And those people who are trying to suppress their own colorfulness, their own inner rainbow, if you will, they’ll come and try to shut down your color, because if you let yours out, maybe they’ll have to let theirs out. And that’s the thing they find most threatening of all. So, it’s a lot easier for them to shut you down instead.
Some people are going to do that in a variety of ways. Bullies show up in all forms. Some of them are just passive aggressive, some of them are very subtle about it, and some of them are not subtle at all. And like I said, it can go all the way to being physical. For example, your boss might bully you because you’re creative, and that causes you to do things differently. He wishes he could be creative too, but he doesn’t allow himself to be, so all his rage gets directed to you. And so, he’s going to do his best to shut that down in you, because he has to shut down the possibility of creativity, so that he doesn’t have to feel so bad about squashing it within himself.
How do we step out of this cycle?
The work we do with all this energy and law of attraction stuff is all about finding our power and it’s all about stepping into our power. And being bullied (or being a bully) is not different. It’s about moving up on the spectrum of empowerment. When someone’s trying to squash you so that they can feel a little bit more powerful, it’s because you make them aware, in some way, of their powerlessness. It’s about whatever you represent to them – that’s what they’re trying to shut down. But this “solution” isn’t actually creating any real power. It’s an attempt at gaining power, but it doesn’t actually work. We’re not talking about true power; we’re talking about a false sense of power.
If you look around in our world today, you can see this play out in many places, even on a national level. For example, countries bullying other countries and having to make a big show of how strong they are. This is not true power; this is a false sense of power coming from an absolute sense of powerlessness.
How do you stand up against somebody bullying you?
Again, it’s all about stepping into your power. I have to say this. Not a lot of people say it, but I’m going to say it. Even though I don’t condone violence on any level – I’m not going to choose violence if there’s any other choice (and there usually is) – sometimes the only way to step into your power is to fight back. Which means that you might have to have a verbal fight, you might have to have a legal fight, you might have to sue somebody, or you might have to even punch back. The way that I see that is, if you’ve been backed into a corner, and you’re on your knees, and somebody is just wailing on you, at some point it might be necessary to at least deliver one well-placed punch back, so that you can stop them or get away from them.
Having said that, I would always recommend that you do your best to step into your power first before you make any decision on whether or not you need to fight, on whether or not you need to file that lawsuit, or if you need to have the confrontation with the boss, or if you need to punch somebody. Usually, the only time this kind of physical response is going to be warranted, is if you’re being physically threatened – if you’re in immediate danger, but there are other ways to fight back. Keep in mind, I’m not talking about taking revenge; I’m not talking about chasing somebody down and give them what they’ve got coming; I’m talking about defending yourself, if that is what is required to step into your power. Sometimes it is, although not always, and less often than you might think; but sometimes it is. Even then, I would say, step into your power as much as you can before running into battle, because a lot of the time you’ll actually find that you no longer need to take that final action.
So, how do you step into your power pre-fight? One very effective method is to fight it out in your mind first, because in your mind there are no consequences. You can take it as far as you need to in order to get to that place of empowerment and satisfaction. Imagine that your bully is standing in front of you and let them have it. Have the big blow up conversation, hurl every insult, every epithet and punch the crap out of them, if it feels good to do so. You can even imagine yourself killing them, resurrecting them (because once wasn’t enough), and then killing them again. There are no consequences to what you can do in your mind. All that’s important is that you feel the satisfaction of the anger coming out and the feeling of moving into your empowerment.
You can also do things to help you feel more empowered, like take a martial arts class if somebody is physically threatening you. It might really help you to feel more empowered if you feel you can defend yourself (and if you actually CAN defend yourself). So, take that martial arts class or draft that lawsuit. Go talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are.
Often times, these kinds of things will be enough. For example, the kid who’s taking the martial arts class might never actually end up having to using martial arts in a fight, because he’s now got a different energy, and so the kids no longer threaten him, or her. When you draft that lawsuit, you’ll get into a place of “I’m right! I’m in the right and this guy’s got nothing on me.” You might very well feel that you don’t even actually have to file the lawsuit anymore. That’s a decision you can make once you’re feeling more empowered.
When you’ve shifted your energy and you’re back in your power, you’ll know that you’ve got it when you don’t feel threatened anymore, when that person has no power over you. You may even kind of feel a little bit sorry for them.
I hope that I’ve explained, at least in a rudimentary way, what bullying is about and what is necessary in order for us to move out of bullying. Because, honestly, when we all feel more empowered there will be no more bullies and there will be no more victims of bullies. Both of those paradigms, those archetypes, will be shifted out.
The bottom line is that it’s all about empowerment, because when you’re empowered, you don’t get bullied and you don’t feel the need to bully anyone else. Everything that you can do to get more empowered, to feel more empowered, truly empowered, and not have a false sense of power, is going to help you shift out of those kind of situations. And then you’ll never have to experience them ever again.