Coaching Call #148 is out! The topic of this week’s call is: She Wants to Be the Master in her Field.
This caller didn’t start playing chess until she was an adult and has been told she’s too old to make it big. She’s studied really hard to be the best she can be, but she’s gone from being a good chess player to losing most of her games.
Why hasn’t all the studying paid off for her? What resistance does she have that’s taken her from being a good player to someone who no longer wins or enjoys the game and how can she overcome it?
This call is for you if you’ve learned all the skills you need to achieve something, and are ready to step up in a big way, but nothing you’re doing is bringing you the success you desire.
Awesome Alex’s Burning Question: “I’m wondering how to deal with a situation in which we feel like we’ve been screwed over, or fucked, and not in the good sexual way!
Recently, I feel like I got screwed over for a lot of money, and that if certain people had made me aware of certain details that they really should have made me aware of, this could have been avoided. Am I angry? Yes. I want to take revenge! I want justification! But at the same time, that feels like a lot of work. I know that I can just let myself be angry for now, but I don’t really yet see a way that this can work out for the best. It almost seems like “one of those things in life that sucks that ya just gotta deal with”, but of course Fuck that way of seeing it…
Anyway, this has happened to two close friends of mine recently as well, so it’s been a manifestation I have seen not just in my own life, but around me. One of those friends is really into LOA, and so this has been something we’ve been trying to figure out.
There’s the one approach of “Fuck this! I’m going to get what’s mine at all costs! I’m going to sue their ass and blah blah blah!”
Then there’s the other approach of “Well, I guess I’ll just let it go and move on. It’s all meant to be, it will come back to me in some way”
The first approach feels like too much work, and a pain in the ass. The second approach feels unrealistic, and not really something I’m ready to believe.
Anyway, I’d really love to hear your approach on how to handle feeling “screwed over” from an LOA perspective. I don’t want to go through all the hard labor of bringing about justice, but I don’t want to just let it go either.”
Dear Awesome Alex,
Thank you for this most excellent of questions. This actually goes right to the heart of what this Law of Attraction “work” is all about. So many people in our society today feel like they’re being screwed over in some way. The government is cheating us. Our bosses pay us too little. We can’t trust our romantic partners to not hurt us by leaving or dying or doing something we don’t like, which we know they know we don’t like. And we’ve come up with a variety of ways to deal with this feeling. We can sue their butts off. We can protest. We can put a brick through a window. Or, we can just walk away and try to let it go. But what if fighting the good fight doesn’t feel good, and walking away doesn’t either? Is there another way? Of course there is. There always is.
Why no one can actually screw you over
Yeah, I know that no one wants to hear this, especially when they’ve just had an experience that feels, well, screwy. Someone has just done something to you, and every fiber of your being is screaming “They were WRONG to do that!” But, when seen through the eyes of empowerment, the premise that we are all in charge of our own realities, that just doesn’t hold water.
You see, when we are talking about “your” reality, we really are referring to YOUR reality. Yours and yours alone. Everything that happens to you, every manifestation (and it’s all a manifestation) is merely a reflection, a mirror, of your vibration. You’re in the center of the hologram, and you are projecting that hologram. No one else can influence that picture. It’s all you.
Now, there are a lot of people in this world who read that paragraph and hear “it’s all your own damn fault.” But that’s not what I’m saying at all. In order for it to be your fault, you would first have to know that you have this vibration of powerlessness (which is what being screwed over feels like), and then willingly keep on manifesting from that perspective. Yet, no one ever does that. Why the hell would they? The fact is that until you have the experience, the manifestation, that shows you that you have this vibration going on, you have no way of knowing that it’s there. But once you do, you can do something about it.
So, no one can actually manifest in your reality, and no one can really screw you over. All they can do is to mirror back the belief that you can be screwed over, and what better way to do that than to make you their screwee?
Why did you manifest being screwed?
The question then becomes, how and why did you attract such an experience into your reality? Why does anyone?
Well, it’s not because we all enjoy the feeling of giving away all of our power. But that is, essentially, what we are doing. And then we blame the other person or party for making us feel that way. Only, here’s the thing: That feeling was already there to begin with. This manifestation, like all manifestations, only served to highlight, to amplify this feeling.
Clearly, this is an issue that is coming up for you in a big way, since you’re not only seeing it in your own experience, but to a lesser degree, in the experience of others (a milder manifestation. It’s always milder when it’s happening to someone else, but this is no less of a manifestation than when it happens directly to you).
How does being screwed over feel? How does it feel to believe that someone else has power over you, can take something away from you, can block your success in some way? Of course, at its core, it feels powerless. But you can’t do much with that. Oh sure, you can chant “I’m powerful! I’m powerful! I’m powerful!”, but that generally doesn’t help.
Fighting back vs. Letting it go
Of course, most people will agree that when someone has wronged you, it’s well within your rights to fight back. But what will that solve? Keeping in mind what you really want, will stomping the other person into the ground bring it about? Will punishing someone else actually make you feel better (in the long run…)? Sure, it can bring temporary satisfaction (stomping on someone else feels more powerful than getting stomped on), but it won’t get you what you truly want.
Of course, simply letting it go, just ignoring how hurt you feel and pretending that it’s all ok feels awful too. It feels like being a doormat, and no, that’s not enlightened. It’s actually much more enlightened to throw a tantrum and scream your head off in an anger release, than to try and be all Zen about it when what you really want to do is to rip someone’s head off. So, obviously, just letting it go isn’t the answer, either.
Unless, of course, you’re talking about truly letting it go. When you truly let something go, you find a perspective that actually feels better, not just one that sounds more enlightened. You can’t just pretend. But, how do you find that better feeling perspective?
The underlying belief structure
The idea that others have power over us is a belief in and of itself. But there are others that play into this experience of being screwed over. Here are two of the biggies:
You are right and they are wrong. Of course you are right. You are always right. But that doesn’t mean that they are wrong. They were not wrong to do what they did. They had their reasons, and from their own perspective, what they did was right in line with their own beliefs – their own fears. The only reason someone ever takes something away from someone else, or aggresses against someone else, is because they think they have to. They are acting and reacting defensively. They believe they are in danger, in some way, and they’re going to get you before you can get them. Aggression always comes from a place of fear.
Understanding the other person’s point of view, seeing their fear and vulnerability at play, can go a long way towards helping you find a better feeling perspective. If nothing else, it will take the edge off of your resentment. When we think of others as simply “evil” or “bad”, we assume that their motives were to consciously screw us over, just for the fun of it. But that’s never the case. The only reason that anyone does anything is because they’re trying, often desperately, to feel better. And often, people only aggress against others because they believe that others will come after them if they don’t. They’re coming from a place of powerlessness, too.
Dehumanizing others by seeing them as different from ourselves, as acting from a nefarious place, can lead to terrifying consequences. We have no problem going to war with and eradicating a nation of people we see as evil. When we assume that their main motivation is hurt us, it puts us in a defensive place. Understanding the other side and having compassion for their point of view, which doesn’t mean that we have to agree with it, opens us up to the possibility of different perspectives – better feeling ones.
You can’t get what you want. We’ve been taught that life is hard and that we can’t always get what we want. When we do get what we want, it’s only ever because someone else gave it to us, because they were kind, or more often, because we got them to give it to us in some way. We pay for it, suffer for it, trade for it or manipulate them into giving it to us. And, of course, if others are in charge of giving us what we want, then they must also have the power to take it away.
Remembering, however, that it’s not up to them, EVER, to provide us with our manifestations, that as long as we are a vibrational match to what we want, it will come to us (through them or someone else), will allow us to also realize that it’s not up to them to take it away. You cannot make other people responsible for bringing you your manifestations, and you can’t make them responsible for blocking said manifestations, either. They really aren’t part of this process, at all. It always comes down to you and your energy. I know… it seems unfair sometimes (“Why is it always up to me, goddammit?”), but honestly, when you truly embody this point of view, there’s no limit to what you can attract.
Of course you can get what you want. You can’t even want something that you can’t get. If you’re a match to a desire (and if you’re not, you can’t have that desire, because even a desire is a manifestation), then you must also have the ability to become a match to its physical representation. You can achieve anything that you want to achieve. But, you have to first believe in at least the possibility that you can. Inserting other people into the equation as a sort of middleman only serves to slow things down.
What is it that you actually want?
Take out the middleman, disregard the other person, and ask yourself what it is that you actually want. How is it that you want to feel? Now, at this point, you may be thinking “What I want is revenge. What I want is for this other person to admit that they wronged me. What I want is for them to be publicly judged as wrong. What I want is to be vindicated.” Fair enough. But you can do better than that. These thoughts still involve the other person.
When we want revenge, we’re coming from the perspective that we can’t get what we want (because this bastard won’t give it to us), which feels awful. So, if we can’t realize our desires, then we can at least get some satisfaction by punishing those who are getting in the way. What the desire for revenge doesn’t take into consideration, however, is that we CAN get what we want. We just can’t get it the way we’re currently going about it.
Think of the thing you were screwed out of, in your case, money.
- What did you want the money for?
- What do you now think you can’t have?
- How would having this thing make you feel?
- What if you could still have it?
- What if it simply came in another way and this person, this screwer, was totally irrelevant to your manifestation of this desire?
Identify what it is that you truly want and how that feels and then simply imagine yourself having it, with no middlemen and no strings attached. Remind yourself that there are no prerequisites – NOTHING needs to happen before you can get what you want. No one needs to do anything to make it come about (including you). All of your immense power lies in your ability to attune yourself to the frequency (i.e. feeling) of what you want, with no interference.
When you make other people responsible for a manifestation that you’re not currently aligned with (and making them responsible will take you right out of alignment), they cannot give it to you. Of course they can’t. They can’t defy your vibration. And then, when they seemingly stand in the way of your manifestation, you want to blame them. But it’s not their fault (it’s not yours, either). All they were doing is mirroring back your vibration to you. When you attune yourself to what you want and take out the middleman, so to speak, you become a match to your vibration. And then no one can take it away from you. No one can screw you over.
You don’t have to fight anyone, and you don’t have to be a doormat. Let go of the HOW (how your manifestation has to come about) and focus exclusively on the WHAT (what you actually want). This is what “letting go” actually means, and it doesn’t feel doormatty at all. It feels glorious. Can I get an Amen?