Coaching Call #094 is out! The topic if this week’s call is: Why Does She Keep Attracting Men Who Are Unavailable In Some Way?
An emotionally abusive relationship in this caller’s past has left her feeling unworthy and attracting only to men who aren’t available in some way. I have to be honest, this is a VERY female centric call. We dissect so many of the common beliefs that women in our society hold. Listen in as we talk about finding the balance between playing games and coming off as needy, dissect the belief that your weight is sabotaging your relationship success, and most importantly, how to set proper standards.
What does it mean when men don’t call back? What about when your boyfriend insists on keeping track of each penny he spent on you? At what point are you too old to attract love? And why do some women change from normal, intelligent human beings into raving lunatics the second a good looking man comes around (and what to do about that…). Ladies, if you’re single and “looking”, this call is for you.
Awesome Dudette’s Burning Question: “Why do things go horribly wrong when starting to use LOA? This has always happened to me when I started using LOA, so then I would abandon it (but not this time, coz I have you to guide me).
My husband and I went off at New Year’s on a spa getaway and worked through your whole program, felt great and ready for the new year. Since then, not only has his business not moved forward, it has completely stagnated. As for me, I started a new job that I was really looking forward to, have NEVER been so stressed in all my life and ended up going through a disciplinary action which may now result in me being put on a national register barring me from working with vulnerable people. (I am not guilty of the allegation against me, but was not believed). I am a carer and love my work, so this is potentially ruinous for me. I get that I created this reality, but now I need to understand how the hell things got this horrendous in the short space of 9 weeks and how I can make sure that I don’t get put on this register.
I have not given up, have spent the last couple of days moving diligently up the vibrational ladder to release my limiting beliefs of powerlessness and the belief that others have power over my life but that I don’t. I have also been doing EFT for releasing this belief. I am starting to feel better and stronger.”
Dear Awesome Dudette,
At the risk of scaring the crap out of everyone who reads my blog by giving them the impression that if they start practicing this Law of Attraction stuff their lives will just fall apart, I’m happy to answer your question.
Will your life fall apart with LOA?
So… will your life just start falling apart if you start raising your vibration? Well, maybe. I know, I know, that’s not a satisfactory answer, so let me explain.
When you begin to raise your vibration, when you move towards what you actually want, any resistance you have (beliefs that are actively interfering with what you want) will pop up to be released. That means you’ll have a manifestation of something that doesn’t feel good. When you get A LOT of energy moving, the way you did by following my end of year process, you get A LOT of results.
The first thing to remember is:
Don’t freaking panic
When things start to change, it’s easy to forget that you just did a buttload of work precisely in order to shake things up and that the upheaval you’re now experiencing is a direct result of the energy work you did. This is because, for most of us, it’s part of our belief system that all change is almost certainly bad. Cue the ominous music here. And this is such a paradox – we want things to change, we beseech the Universe to bring us circumstances that are often drastically different from the ones we currently live in, but when stuff actually starts moving around, we cry “What the hell is going on? I bet this marks the decline of civilization as we know it! I didn’t ask for this!”
Well yes, you did. You wanted to move closer to Who You Really Are, a life of adventure and joy and happy shiny puppy moments. And when things start to do just that, you freak out, because you assume that all changes take you away from what you want. Silly puppy.
The first thing to remember when stuff starts to shift in your reality is that everything that’s happening, is happening for you. You may want to write that on a post it and stick it someplace you can see it every day. Like your forehead. Nothing has gone wrong. All that’s happened is that you forgot one teensy part of the manifesting equation:
Expectations – they ain’t so great
That’s right, you forgot not to have any expectations. “What’s that”, you say? “Haven’t you been teaching us to expect good stuff to come to us, Melody? We must know immediately if you have just exposed an inconsistency, so we can inform the internet at once and it can lose its mind.”
Hold on to your mouse clicking fingers, there puppies. I’m not talking about those kinds of expectations. I’m talking about what is otherwise known as Trying to Control the HOW. In other words, you can (and should) have an expectation that things will work out well for you, you just can’t have an expectation of just how that will come about. That second one will get you into trouble. Every. Freaking. Time.
And don’t worry (I know you’re still worrying. I can hear it through cyberspace. Stop it.), this isn’t because you don’t get to have the life you want, or don’t get to have an easy ride (you totally do and the ease of the ride is entirely up to you). When you have expectations of HOW something will happen, two things go awry:
First, you limit the ways in which what you want can come to you.
Second, you have a tendency to totally misinterpret what is happening, causing you to take your energy in the wrong direction, away from what you want.
Let’s take a look at both:
Stop trying to be Google
I hate to break this to you, but your mind (and my mind, I’m not picking on you) is not designed to come up with the best way for something to manifest into your reality. The human brain, spectacular as it may be, simply doesn’t have the capacity for those kinds of computations. You’d have to know ALL the possible ways that something can manifest (that’s an infinite number), the exact belief systems that you carry down to the teensiest detail (um, you know how you struggle to figure out your beliefs one at a time?), the exact belief systems of everyone else (not to mention where they are and what they’re manifesting), so you can bring all the components together for the perfect manifestation. Are you beginning to figure out why this isn’t your job? This is a bit like trying to memorize the internet. The good news is, that you don’t have to do either.
If you want to find something on the internet, you don’t have to know every detail that could be accessed, nor do you have to know where all the data is stored. You just have to have access to a system that allows you to do what you want to do. For most of us, that’s a little tool called “the Google”. You may have heard of it. When you want to find some information on the net, you type a search term into the home page of Google. The screen then changes to show you the search results. It’s at this point that almost no one gasps in horror at a.) the fact that the screen changed, and/or b.) that they don’t just have the information they were looking for displayed on their desktop. The search results page is an intermediary that assists you in refining your search further, as well as taking you to the information you want (you can click the links on the results page, taking you to where you want to go.) If you used a bad search term, the results you get aren’t what you wanted, but you can always start again. No big whoop. This does not mean that the internet is broken or that you can NEVER FIND WHAT YOU WANT.
In terms of manifestation, you don’t have to try and figure out all the parameters and components required to actually make a manifestation happen. And you shouldn’t try. Because you can’t. But again, you don’t have to (I’m repeating myself here because this is one of those points that people tend to be really stubborn about…)
Focusing on what you want is like entering a search term into Google. The first feedback (that first results page) you get will be how you feel. If you feel good, that means the results page matches what you were looking for to a large degree. If you feel bad, you used the wrong search term. Try again. Choosing a different search term simply means refining your focus. You may THINK you were focusing exactly on what you wanted (that you had defined the perfect search term), but based on your results, you realize that you need to make a few changes. The change is not to what you want, but to your beliefs about how that thing has to come about.
When you decide that what you want has to come in a very specific way (this is what controlling the HOW does), it’s like you’re putting filters on the search results before you’ve even seen them, blocking out anything your puny human mind couldn’t first think of. Filters never expand results, they always restrict them, and often in unexpected ways, especially when you don’t know what all the possible results actually look like. So, if you’re going to set filters, set them after you’ve seen the results, not before.
Expectations (of the how) are filters and they can actively keep you from getting what you want as well as lead to a very frustrating experience. Which brings us to the second reason that expectations are a bad idea:
The Freak Out
When you insist that your “search result” look a certain way, you’ll inevitably think that anything that doesn’t look exactly like that isn’t a match to what you want. For example, you raise your vibration and focus on feeling great at work. The next thing you know, you promptly get fired. What the hell, Universe? Why would something so “awful” happen? Well, what did you expect? I’m not being sarcastic here. What did you actually expect? Were you limiting the results of your search for a better work experience to your boss becoming nicer, or your co-workers all suddenly dying of scurvy, or that old fallback – winning the lottery? Did it ever occur to you that losing your job abruptly was the fastest and easiest way for you to get to that better work environment (you would’ve never looked for and found the opportunity of your lifetime had you not been fired…) and no other way would’ve been as fast or easy?
When you freak out, it’s because of two reasons: you’re seeing change as a bad thing and you were limiting the ways in which your manifestations could come. Allow yourself to trust in the idea that change is a good thing (it’s a constant in the Universe. You might as well make peace with it) and whatever is happening is happening for the express purpose of taking you to where you want to go. Sometimes, the ride will be a bit rougher than others, but that’s only down to how many expectations you have and how much fear you’re still carrying around (ok, there are other parameters such as the speed of the Universal energy and the strength of your desire, but I can only cover so much in one blog post.)
Make the ride smoother
If you want your ride to be smoother, let go of your expectations. Trust in the process. See it as a good thing. Then, just as you’ve been doing, work through the fears that have been brought up. If you realize that whatever negative emotion you experience is only ever there to point out limiting beliefs, and you know that you can release these beliefs, you’ll have a sense of control (true control) that will keep you from freaking out. So, it’s not that your crap won’t manifest for you to see anymore, it’s just that you won’t see it as a bad thing AND it generally won’t be as “big” anymore. Your life will get easier but not more boring.
Let’s take a look at your specific manifestations: Your hubby’s business stagnated. Good. I’m not being cruel here. I mean, it’s good that you have something concrete to sink your teeth into. Obviously, there’s something “stuck” in there that you’re not realizing. Most likely, he’s been trying to force something in a way that’s not aligned with what he wants. In other words, there’s something about the business that doesn’t feel good that he’s been ignoring. It’s time to look at it. Maybe the business isn’t a representation of his greatest joy (stop doing stuff just for the money!), or there’s some aspect of it that doesn’t feel good. When you line up with Who You Really Are, everything that doesn’t feel like your greatest joy will start to fall away, leaving only room for what actually feels like happiness, success, abundance, love, etc. If you’re aligning with joy and your business stops moving forward, something about it isn’t a match to joy!
You’ve been put in a position where something “bad” might happen – you may be restricted from doing what you love. Or so you believe. You’re right to work on powerlessness, but also, take a look at those pesky expectations. Why do you assume that being on this list would not allow you IN ANY WAY to do what you love? Maybe there’s another way for you to do what you’re here to do that actually matches your greatest joy much more closely and you’re being given a kick in the ass to move in that direction. If a door closes, it’s only to get you to see another door that’s open. One that you’ve been ignoring because of your insistence that what you want has to come through one, specific door.
Stop freaking out and open your mind. Allow for the fact that there is a solution, even if you can’t see it right now (remember that you can’t see that solution unless you choose to believe it exists).
You will not EVER be led down a road that will take you away from what you truly want to do. If you think you are, you have an expectation of what that way has to look like.
In other words, if you are a caretaker, you will never be put in a situation in which you cannot care for others. And when you align your energy the way you and your husband have, you’ll actually be led towards MORE opportunities to do what you love. If it seems otherwise, it’s only because of your expectations of what those opportunities have to look like. Trust that whatever is happening is taking you forward and just work on feeling better. The process of having these experiences and working through them is exactly what will take you where you want to go.
My own experience with expectations
This little section isn’t necessarily for everyone. I’ve made my main point. But if you’re ready for LOA 2.0, keep reading.
I had my own little duel with expectations a couple of months ago, while in the mountains of Peru. During an Ayahausaca ceremony, I was shown how my expectations were actually a representation of my fears. If I could tell the Universe exactly how something should happen and it then happened exactly like that, I could feel safe, right? The underlying belief that things will otherwise not be safe creates the fear. But I also realized that if the Universe could only ever MEET my expectations, it could never surpass them. Or, to put it another way: You can’t fly if you insist on keeping one foot on the ground.
My insistence on controlling anything (and I do mean anything) only served to keep me smaller than I truly want to be, than I truly am. So, I’ve personally been working on getting rid of any and all expectations, even the smallest details, and I can report that HOLY CRAP IS IT FUN! It’s not always easy, mind you, but the more I simply float though life, allowing things to come in whatever form they may, letting it all be ok, letting it all be good, and assuming it’s ALL taking me to where I want to go, the faster I move. I’m also catching more and more glimpses of just how big my energy is (this is true for all of us, not just me), and I’m beginning to really understand a message I received a while back, that we really have NO IDEA of just how awesomely powerful we truly are. We haven’t even scratched the surface. But we can’t fully step into that power if we’re still holding on to our training wheels, our safety net, our baby blankets. The more we trust the process, the more we just assume that all is well, the bigger and better this physical life gets. Easy? No. Worth it? Abso-freaking-lutely.