Coaching Call #075 is out! The topic of this week’s call is: Her Life Was Going Great. Why Did It All Fall Apart?
This former social services worker found herself in her worst nightmare when her own kids were temporarily taken away. She thought her life was going great when it all just fell apart. What really happened? Why did she have to go through all this pain? How did it serve her? And most of all, how can she move forward and rebuild?
Don’t worry. This call isn’t nearly as dark as it sounds. There’s a happy ending, and tons of lessons for parents, relationship advice, money talk, and best of all, ways to empower yourself and bounce back from a period of extreme chaos.
When I hear people discussing the Law of Attraction and the idea that they have the power to manifest things, they often do so very conditionally. “Ok,” they say, “I can get my head around the idea that I can manifest a parking space, or that I could line up with the opportunity for a better job, but when it comes to ‘real’ crap, like the condition of my body and health, like the safety of my children and pets or my loved ones, then I really have no control whatsoever.” And then, they’ll cite all kinds of examples of how situations, that were in no way wanted by them, and which they had absolutely no control over, happened to them. They’ll even bring in examples from overseas, like children dying in Africa, to make their point – that the world is ultimately a random, violent, unforgiving wasteland, in which we’re lucky to survive past the age of thirty. But yeah, the Universe will let you manifest a parking space, kind of as a consolation prize, I guess.
I call Bullshit. I’m not trying to be controversial here, but I just can’t help but point out the blindingly obvious: you’re either the master of your destiny, or you’re not.
It’s either all or nothing
A wise man (read: fictional character, and not so much a “man” as a garden gnome. A very wise garden gnome) once said: “Do or do not. There is no try.” When Neo was given the choice of the Red Pill or the Blue Pill in the Matrix, there was no third choice (to not take either). He either had to dive head on into the “truth”, or had to forget about it completely. Knowing that the truth was out there but not pursuing it simply wasn’t an option. In more colloquial terms, you have to either shit or get off the pot. Or, to put it the way I usually do when I’m talking to people: You can’t half-ass this stuff. (You must full-ass it. Ha.)
You either create your reality, or you don’t. The laws of the Universe either apply 100% of the time, or they don’t apply at all (they are not like the laws of speeding. You can’t just disregard them when no one’s watching). Now, I know that most of you will totally get this theoretically. “Yes,” you will say, “I know that I create my own reality. All of it. I’m totally aware that the huge mess I’m in is all my fault.” But that’s not the statement of someone who really gets it. That’s the statement of someone who’s just started to get it.
When you first start waking up to the idea that you create your own reality, that you have much more control over your environment than you’ve previously been led to believe, it’s quite natural and usual to first fall into self-blame. After all, if you create your own reality, then doesn’t that mean that you created the mess you’re currently in? Didn’t you then choose your pain and suffering? And, well, doesn’t that make you one massive idiot? No. No it doesn’t. Here’s why:
I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again and again: Taking responsibility is not the same thing as assigning blame. In fact, they’re nowhere near each other on the Spectrum of Empowerment (a term I just came up with. You like? I like). What is the Spectrum of Empowerment (to be read forthwith in a booming, pre-view announcer voice)? I’m glad you asked!
The Spectrum of Empowerment!
In order to fully understand the Spectrum of Empowerment, I thought it would be helpful to make you a little visual graphic, something I haven’t attempted in quite some time. Using the groundbreaking, highly sophisticated and complex software at my disposal (MS Powerpoint and GIMP) and managing to misappropriate it in a way its makers never intended, I present you with the following masterpiece (TADAAAAAA!):
No Control: On one end of the spectrum, you have the extreme of utter powerlessness. This is where you have NO CONTROL over your life, everything just happens randomly and you’re at the mercy of fate. You could get hit by a car, fired from your job, dumped by your boyfriend or eaten by a dinosaur at any moment and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Also, life has no real meaning other than survival; your one job is to shtupp like rabbits and somehow teach your offspring to not die long enough to continue to propagate the species. If there is a God, he’s a sadistic bastard who has created us for his amusement, and relishes making us suffer. This is, to a large extent, the Old World view that we’re moving out of. And while most of us no longer believe that we’re quite this powerless, there are still many, many beliefs hanging around that have their origins firmly rooted in this outdated and totally useless (guess how I really feel…) paradigm.
Self-Blame: Once people get sick enough of feeling powerless (because that’s painful!), they usually begin their journey towards empowerment. And the first stop on that track is the wonderful town of Self-Blame. This is where you look around at your life and all the crap you don’t like about it, and conclude that you must either be incredibly stupid or massively masochistic, because only an idiot or someone who loves being flogged would choose to create this Smorgasbord of hellish suffering. The one thing they forget in all this self-flagellation is that, even though they did, technically, create the mess they’re in, they didn’t do so knowingly or consciously. Yes, you’d have to be a masochistic idiot to know that there was a better feeling choice to be made and to know that you can make it, but then go with some lesser option instead. But here’s the thing: You didn’t know, did you? Had you been fully aware of your own power all along, you wouldn’t have caused yourself pain. If you need more convincing, may I suggest that you read: How To Forgive Yourself.
Blaming Others: After you get done beating up on yourself, you’ll stop off at the lovely town of “Blaming Others”, also known as Angerville. Although anger can come up at almost any stage and will most certainly be present in full blown powerlessness and self-blame, it’s at this stage of the game, where the blame is turned outwards, that anger is at its most healing. This is where you’ll want to have your anger releases. Of course, we don’t want to get stuck in blame of any kind, but boy does it feel satisfying to transfer fault from yourself to someone else. “Sure, I create my own reality”, you might declare at this point, “but my stupid husband is so negative, I can’t HELP but create a huge stinking shit pile. If he got his vibrational act together, life would be all roses and private jets and foot massages by the roaring fire.” Hey, it’s not YOUR fault that you’re not using your tremendous power, it’s all the stupid non-believers around you who keep messing it all up. Once again, may I point out at this point that you’re either all powerful or you’re not. That’s what “all powerful” means. It applies all the time. Not, it applies all the time unless there’s a negative douchebag in the room, messing it all up.
No Blame: At some point, you’re just going to get sick of blaming people, period. If you’re totally honest, you’ll have to admit that while you didn’t know of all the options available to you, neither did anyone else. And even if others managed to influence you negatively, they certainly didn’t do so on purpose. No one has been holding a gun to your head. You’ll naturally bring the focus back to yourself. After all, if it’s not them, it must be you. At this juncture, you have a choice: You can either run back to Self-Blame (which many people do, causing a never ending death spiral of negativity, or as I like to call it, the Spiral of DoomTM), or you can decide to take the brave step of taking responsibility for your reality. You can become aware of the idea that if you actually did manifest your life, then you can change it. Hoo boy! This is where it starts to get really fun. Taking this step will lead you to the town of…
Responsibility: Yes, that’s right ladies and gentlemen, in this wonderful place you’ll begin to see the true cause and effect that underlies creation and everything in the Universe. You’ll notice how focusing on something that makes you feel good causes more good feeling things to come into your reality. You’ll also notice how focusing on fear and limitation guarantees that you’ll have a bad time. It’s at this point that you begin to actually recognize the process. Now, notice that this stage is not called Self-responsibility. Why not? Because when you first start to recognize the concept of responsibility, you’ll still have a propensity to assign some of it to others. This is not quite the same feeling as when you blame them. You do understand that you create your own reality, but you’re not yet convinced that the others, those people with their own agendas, are entirely subject to your creations. So, you limit yourself and your manifesting ability by caring way too much what they think, by not wanting to inadvertently step on their toes, or by wanting to help those who aren’t a match to being helped. If, however, you keep focusing on the process (instead of the outcome), and recognizing how it underlies EVERYTHING, you’ll continue on down the journey.
Full Control: Welcome home. This is where you REALLY “get it”, the idea that you and only you truly create your own reality. This is where everything that happens to you not only has meaning, but awesome meaning, because you know that everything is neutral until you decide how to feel about it. This is where you fully understand that how you feel about anything is exclusively your choice. You understand the process, how creation really works. You finally really get that what you focus on grows, that if you’re having experiences that you don’t like, it only ever means that you’ve been inadvertently and unknowingly focusing on something that isn’t serving you, and that even a small change in that focus will have a profound, real world impact on your reality. You KNOW that you can have whatever you want, and you trust that you will get it. You don’t just see the silver lining, you turn the whole freaking cloud silver. You recognize the inherent awesomeness in everything. Oh, and this, incidentally, is where all the material stuff you’ve always wanted finally starts to flood in. You know, now that you no longer need it to feel good because you’ve decided to feel good anyway. You feel good about the process, the endless possibilities, the artistry of creation, and the adventure of it all. You see life as your art, your creation, to shape and mold any way you like. Only your imagination limits what you can manifest. This is the nirvana you’ve heard so much about.
Of course, each of these stages has its own levels, especially the final one (otherwise, it would get boring…), but that’s the gist of it – the process of moving from powerlessness into empowerment.
I thought it would be really cool to end this post by asking you which pill you’d like to take, the red one of the blue one. Only, I can’t. You see, you already took the pill. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be here. So, all that remains now is to not fight it. As you may have deduced from my explanation and my incredible genius work of visual art (you’re welcome, world), the key ingredient in your continued progression on the spectrum is your willingness to believe that you do, in fact, create your own reality. And yes, it’s a choice. How far you move along that spectrum is really dependent on how MUCH you’re willing to believe it. But you can’t get to empowerment if you’re not willing to make that choice. In fact, the more exceptions you make to that belief, the further from empowerment you are. I’ve found that taking a hard line, all or nothing approach often works great for snapping people out of their resistance.
For example, let’s say that you believe that you can manifest a parking space, but there’s nothing you can do about your douchey boss. Well, if you believe that you can create ANY PART of your reality, then you must believe that you can create ALL of it. You either have the power to create or you don’t. Why is getting people to NOT park in that space so it’s waiting for you when you get there any less impressive or possible or probable than inspiring your boss to only come and talk to you when he’s in a good mood? Why do you think it’s easier for the Universe to perfectly orchestrate traffic and inspire you to leave the house at precisely the right second so you’ll hit all green lights on the way to work, than to orchestrate you getting your dream house? Why do you think that shifting into a new reality where your car keys aren’t lost is any more doable than one in which humanity lives in peace? All of these things are harder to attain only because you’ve decided that they are, not because they require a greater degree of power than you have access to.
Make the decision. Choose to believe that you are really as powerful as that little voice in the back of your head says you are (you know, the one you keep ignoring even though, in hindsight, you can see that it’s always been right). Choose to believe that it really is that simple, that you really can affect the world around you by changing yourself, that you can really have everything you’ve ever wanted, that you really are not just in the matrix, but the master of it. You’ve already taken the pill. You might as well just freaking go for it.