Awesome Dudette’s burning question: “I have noticed a pattern in male-female relationships: why it is almost always the man who leaves the woman out of nowhere like that? Why are men so quick to fall out of love and leave for someone else without any consideration? Why it is always the man who actually finds someone else so easily to be with anytime they want? Why is it always the man who wants to cheat and actually goes through with it? Why is it mostly women who end up alone? Why is it always men who find good partners to be with while women can’t find good men?
I wonder if some things in this world aren’t totally absolute…I mean, aren’t all men wired to be cheaters? Aren’t all men wired to up and leave all relationships after a couple of years or anytime another woman gives them attention? Aren’t they really all bad like we women hear they are, while growing up? Then why does it happen to so, SO many women? Isn’t it true that there are more women in the world then men? What would happen if all of us girls decided they want to find love, would there be enough men for all of us to be partnered up? Most of us have trouble finding any man, not just good men. Heck, I have never even met a man full of qualities ever in my life! It makes me uncomfortable just to think about an amazing attractive not-cheating nice man, cause I’ve never even seen one. It’s either a very ugly one with no qualities or no men at all, and this happens to a lot of us women. Would there be enough amazing gorgeous men for all of us if we all decided to get love?
The true nature of men in relationships has always been a cloudy subject for me, and I would really appreciate your take on this!”
Dear Awesome Dudette,
Alrighty… That’s quite a barrage of questions. I’m feeling a bit like this:
I’m going to handle this one a little differently than normal. Instead of writing a big ass post exploring just one of these concepts, I’m just going to give you the quick(ish) and dirty answer to each and every one of your questions. Maybe you could, um, relax a bit. Make yourself a cup of tea. Have some chocolate. Spike the tea with something. Have someone rub your feet, while you read this. Maybe they could sing a lullaby or something soothing to you (Might I suggest “Soft Kitty”?) Here we go:
Why it is almost always the man who leaves the woman out of nowhere like that?
Ok, so in our society, we foster many, many bullshit beliefs. One of them is that men want freedom and women want security. The truth is, we all want freedom and we all want security. But, men and women are brought up in very different ways, and this shapes our beliefs which shape our reactions. For example, women are encouraged to express themselves more (how effectively they express themselves is another matter…), while men are discouraged from openly showing emotion. Neither are really taught to deal with their crap, although this is starting to change with more and more parents being more emotionally aware and more and more kids being born ultra-stubborn, so the line dividing gender specific behavior is blurring.
Generally speaking (and this is very much culturally influenced), when men get scared or uncomfortable, they bolt (usually because they have no clue as to what else to do. They don’t know how to have that conversation, so they run). When women get scared of uncomfortable, they internalize it and put up with it (usually because they’ve been taught that the harmony of the group is more important than how they feel, so they sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of the relationship). While neither one of these approaches is better or worse than the other, neither one works very well.
Why are men so quick to fall out of love and leave for someone else without any consideration?
Men are not quick to fall out of love. They’re just not as quick to fall in love, or rather, to mistake other feelings for love. Some women (and yes, I’m generalizing wildly here, feel free to switch genders in any of my answers if that fits the reality you live in better) will consider who shows them the slightest bit of interest “the ONE”, and will begin planning the wedding on the second date, while the man is thinking “This is nice. I’d like to get to know her better.” Without going into what causes this behavior (that’s a whole other post), what this comes down to is essentially a difference in expectations and assumptions. If these differences aren’t communicated, it can lead to all kinds of misunderstandings. For example, if the guy just isn’t feeling it and breaks it off without much hoopla (because to him, it really wasn’t anything serious, yet), the woman, who was already picking out their future children’s names, is devastated. How could he just throw away everything they had?! Well, to him, there wasn’t all that much there yet. He was in a totally different phase of the relationship than she was. There’s nothing wrong with this. The mistake is thinking that one person’s assumptions represent the “truth” for the other person, as well.
Why it is always the man who actually finds someone else so easily to be with anytime they want?
This is just a straight up false belief. It is NOT always the man who finds someone else first, nor do they always find someone new, easily. Many men are totally devastated after a breakup, and given that their male friends aren’t necessarily open to them talking it out, they may actually have a harder time getting over heartbreak than women do.
Why is it always the man who wants to cheat and actually goes through with it?
Again, this is just not true. PLENTY of women cheat. If you want to know why, read this post:
Why is it mostly women who end up alone?
It’s not. I know plenty of amazing men who are single. I have this theory: Somewhere, there are two bars. One is filled with women asking “Where are all the good men at?”, and one is filled with men asking “Where are all the great women at?”
You can, however, create a world where the only single people you know are women, via your beliefs. These are beliefs you might want to change. May I suggest: “There are amazing men and women who are single and looking for love”? Because there are.
Why is it always men who find good partners to be with while women can’t find good men?
So… These men who are finding good partners… are they all crap? Or are all men crap, period? Again, this is just a false belief. See the affirmation above. Repeat. Repeat again.
Aren’t all men wired to be cheaters?
No. No one is “wired” to do or be anything. You have totally free will. Your beliefs govern much more of your behavior than your genetic programming does (look up the science of epigenetics).
Aren’t all men wired to up and leave all relationships after a couple of years or anytime another woman gives them attention?
Men benefit just as much (and according to some studies, even more) as women from being in a loving, connected, long term partnership. And, it has to be said, if all it takes to break up a relationship is another woman’s attention, that relationship has been past its expiration date for some time.
Aren’t they really all bad like we women hear they are, while growing up?
No, they’re not. They’re truly not. You know, I grew up this way, too. I thought men were brutal, horrible, dangerous individuals who could explode at any moment and had to be tiptoed around and appeased. So, for quite some time, until well into my 20’s, I believed that this was what all men were like. I was afraid of them. But the truth is, there are all kinds of men, just as there are all kinds of women. Which ones you meet up with (the douchebags or the princes) depends entirely on your beliefs, or the filters you see the world through. If you put on your douchebag glasses, all you’ll see are douchebags. If, however, you learn to put on your nice guy glasses, you’ll meet only nice guys. And believe me, they are out there. Glorious, wonderful, kind, intelligent, funny, sexy, single (and yes straight! Unless you’re a gay man, then gay!), brilliant, spiritual, sexy, puppy loving, children loving, snuggly, protective, sexy, dedicated, loyal, sweet, masculine, giggly, fun, awesome, did I mention sexy men. Every. Freaking. Where.
Then why does it happen to so, SO many women?
Because so, SO many women have shitty, shitty beliefs about men, relationships and themselves.
Isn’t it true that there are more women in the world then men?
In whose reality? Even if that is true (and read the next answer to see why it’s not), it’s kind of an arbitrary statistic. I mean, do all of those men meet the criteria of what you’re looking for? They’re not all the same, so sheer numbers mean nothing. Just because someone’s a man, doesn’t mean he’s a viable candidate. Raise your friggin’ standards. The Law of Attraction can bring you the perfect, awesome dude you’re looking for at any particular time. It doesn’t have to bring you ALL OF THEM. One at a time will do, don’t you think?
What would happen if all of us girls decided they want to find love, would there be enough men for all of us to be partnered up?
Ok, so now we have to go down the rabbit hole: Considering that each of us is in our own reality, meaning, you can shift into a different reality at any time (and you do, each and every moment of each day), the number of men in any one reality at any one time really makes no difference at all. Your reality is simply a holographic projection, created just for you. There are lot more players than you may be aware of; don’t let the census bureau tell you any different.
Right, if I’ve just lost you, here’s less rabbit holey answer: Yes. More men are created every day. If the demand increased, so would the supply. Oh, and also, deciding you want to find love and actually becoming a match to it, are two different things. Just saying.
Most of us have trouble finding any man, not just good men.
That is your reality, based on your beliefs. In my reality, most of us don’t. I may start my own harem.
Heck, I have never even met a man full of qualities ever in my life! It makes me uncomfortable just to think about an amazing attractive not-cheating nice man, cause I’ve never even seen one.
This is precisely why you have such a hard time seeing the wonderful men around you. If you can’t even imagine them, you can’t manifest them. Read the post on questions, and begin with this one: What if the kind of man I want actually exists? What if there are a ton of them? What if the men I’ve been seeing only represent a fraction of what’s available? What if my beliefs have simply been blocking out all those amazing men? What if I’m in the process of letting go of these beliefs? What if I’m on my way to that amazing relationship I’ve always wanted?
Men are awesome.
Women are awesome.
We’re all awesome.
If you’re not currently experiencing the awesomeness, you’re actively doing something to block it out (like an umbrella, blocking out the sun). Stop that.
You CAN have the amazing relationship you’ve always wanted. You CAN meet that incredible guy, who will be monogamous and who will adore you as much as you adore him. But you have to be willing (yes, willing, because you’re definitely able) to imagine him, to believe that he can exist, to let go of these negative generalizations about men, these decisions about men that you never made yourself but simply accepted from someone else. You have to be willing to look for the ones that defy your beliefs, despite your experiences so far. You have to be willing to focus on what you want, instead of what “is”. They’re out there, those awesome dudes. And many of them are wondering where all the awesome dudettes are at. Go figure.