Quick Update: I received several really sweet emails from readers asking if I was ok this past week. I got behind on responding to comments, Facebook messages and the like. I’d like to assure you that I’m fine, that I haven’t been kidnapped and am not being held, chained to a radiator. Somewhere in Oregon. In a farmhouse. With a red truck outside. License plate KDNPR69. Bring chocolate. Seriously. But not some crappy brand you can get at the supermarket. Something worthy of my 5 star taste buds. Yes, seriously. Why do you keep asking?
Actually, I AM totally fine. It got behind for a couple of reasons: As I’ve previously mentioned, my coaching practice is getting quite busy. I’m almost to complete capacity, and so I’m spending a lot my time dealing with my paying clients, who always get priority (naturally). Second, I really have been getting kicked about by the energy lately, which means that I’ve had to take a day off here and there to tend to my own emotional well being. If I’m not a happy shiny puppy, I don’t have very much to give anyone, so this has to come first. I’ve had several big releases (currently feeling all floaty and happy as a result), and I’m sure that there are more to come.
That having been said, I’m afraid the day when I won’t be able to respond to every comment anymore is approaching a bit faster than I thought and I really hope you guys understand when it does. We’ve built such a wonderful community here, and all of you already support each other in the comments, that I think the transition will be rather painless (I will probably be the one crying the hardest…) For now, though, I’m all caught up and will do my best to stay that way. Thanks again for your concern. I love you guys, too. *sneeeeeef*
Awesome Jenapher writes:
“I have a two part question. Recently (today) I realized that, to my severe emotional detriment, I have always made myself the “good” girl. Whether it’s to survive in my job, navigate my relationships, or deal with strangers, I feel like I have had to be so nice (there’s a good 4-letter word for you!), even if I didn’t feel like it, and now I realize that it has been making me sick and miserable, and I have not been anything close to authentic for a long time.
Part of my issue was that I felt like I couldn’t, “tell it like it is” even to myself, i.e. “I fucking hate the way this person treats me, and I wish they’d fall off the earth into a huge pile of turtle poo.” However recently, I have been more authentic and at the very least, journaling it like it is, and I feel enormously better.
I held back for so long because I didn’t want it to affect my “karma”, and I believed that it wasn’t Spiritual to admit to myself or anyone else that I was less than grateful for everything I have, and that sometimes I get really angry and hateful. But it seems that once I tell the whole disgusting and messy truth, I feel liberated, and dare I say – at a higher vibration, and it doesn’t bother me nearly as much anymore.
So, just how twisted have I been getting it? Does it serve me better in the long run to let the fur fly and be completely authentic in the moment? What happens when you know you should probably be totally real, but it’s scary and doesn’t feel good, but you think you might (or might not) feel better later? How important is it to my vibrational alignment that I am always myself and radically honest, and, for the love of God, not “play nice” to avoid confrontation?
This question could not have come at a better time. Ok, it came a while ago, but it could not have jumped out at me at a better time. I’ve been coaching so many people (including myself) into anger lately, it’s like a freaking epidemic. But, considering what’s going on with the energy lately, it’s actually not surprising.
We are shedding our past beliefs. We are stepping out of powerlessness and into our own divinity. We are getting rid of all the obstacles to Who We Really Are. And, if you understand the Emotional Scale, you’ll know that the way out of powerlessness is Anger. When you feel like you have no control over something, others, your fate, etc., your whole being rebels against it. You want to move swiftly into feeling powerful again, and the emotion that gets you there the fastest is anger.
I actually made a video about the healing power of anger last year. In it, I encourage you, the viewer, to not squash your anger as you’ve been taught, but to let it out constructively (as opposed to destructively). I’d like to build on that video today.
Anger is NOT a step backwards
Most spiritual and self aware people like my readers, will squash their anger response, not necessarily because they don’t understand that emotions are valuable, but because they’re so uncomfortable thinking angry thoughts. When you’re aiming for “I am love. I love all. Everything and everyone is love. *queue choir of angels*”, thinking “I WANT TO RIP EVERYONE’S FACE OFF!!!” just kind of seems like a step in the wrong direction. And so, we shrink away from the anger and try to find a more enlightened response. But that’s the wrong way to go. Here’s why:
When you’re feeling powerless or like you have no control, anger is the right response. It’s taking you in the right direction. You’re nowhere near “I love all”, and trying to get there from a place of powerlessness requires that you do not pass Go, but go directly to Anger. But, in order for that anger to take you in the direction you actually want to go, you do have to give yourself permission to feel it, as well as remember a few key points.
Constructive anger vs. Destructive anger
The first issue that most people have with anger, including the self aware ones, is that when we get angry with someone, particularly someone whom we love, it seems disloyal. We don’t want to think hateful thoughts about someone we love. And yet, there’s a HUGE difference between thinking angry thoughts in order to affect an anger release, and actually acting on those thoughts.
When you release anger constructively, something which most people have never learned to do, you don’t hold onto it. You feel it and release it, which leads to a massive feeling of relief. The longer that anger has been brewing and has been denied, the bigger that sense of relief will be. Chronically unexpressed and suppressed anger, by the way, will lead to some of the ugliest behaviors in our society, something I covered in greater detail in the video. A constructive anger release happens in a safe environment, generally alone or possibly with a trained practitioner of some kind. The object of the anger is generally NOT present. Why not? Because the anger release isn’t about THEM. It’s about YOU and how you feel.
When you release anger destructively, it means just that: It’s destructive. You either hurt someone, something or yourself. None of those are part of the ultimate goal of feeling better. In fact, a destructive anger release always leads to greater powerlessness and a perpetuation of more anger. There is no relief. If, in your anger, you tell your mother you hate her, punch a hole in the wall, or worst of all, turn the anger inward at yourself, you end up with feelings of guilt, unworthiness, depression and at worst, you’ll end up in jail or prison where your powerlessness is highly amplified.
It’s interesting to note that when most people think of anger, they think of only destructive anger. They have no idea that anger can actually be expressed constructively and lead to massive healing.
Allow the angry thoughts, no matter how irrational
So, when I advise people to go ahead and think angry thoughts or write that angry letter, I make sure to point out that they will not be confronting the object of their anger or actually sending that letter. The exercise of expressing the anger is purely for their benefit and bringing others into it is not only unnecessary, but as I already pointed out, can be totally counterproductive.
Now, as you’re thinking your hateful and spiteful thoughts, your intelligent (do I know my audience or what?) and well meaning but totally misguided mind will jump in and proclaim: “That’s not true! You don’t hate her! You love her!”
When that happens, ignore your mind. Remember that things don’t have to be 100% true on all levels. Emotions are not rational or logical. You can love someone and still feel like dropping a baby grand piano on them (because a full sized grand piano would be taking it too far). One does not affect the other. Only, your mind likes to think in absolutes. You either love someone, which means that you’re only allowed to think lovely thoughts about them, or you hate someone, which means that you’re only allowed to think hateful thoughts about them. Your mind is not inclined to be comfortable in the grey areas, unless you train it to be.
Be honest about the way you actually feel
But here’s the thing: You feel the way you feel. There’s no use denying it. And if you don’t acknowledge how you feel, you’ll still have the same emotions, you’ll just be glossing over them, which will keep you stuck right where you are. We in the business like to call that “denial“. This is how you get people who have been angry for years.
You may think being angry with your spouse or mom or kid is disloyal to them because you also love them, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are, in fact, angry with them. And again, being angry with someone doesn’t mean that you don’t actually care for them. It just means that something this helpful soul has said or done has mirrored an active limiting belief of powerlessness that you’ve been ignoring, which has subsequently caused you to have an anger response. You now have the opportunity to use the mental image of this person to release that anger and shift the underlying belief. Really, if you don’t take advantage of this opportunity, you’ll be crapping all over their lovely (usually not conscious) gesture. How loyal is that, eh? Just saying. Plus, if you don’t address the source of the anger, you’re just going to keep manifesting bigger and nastier events until you finally do something about it.
If you’re angry, you’re angry. You can’t just decide not to be angry. You can decide not to pay attention to the anger, or to control your physical demonstration of the anger, but your blood pressure will know, y’all. It’s better to just freaking admit it.
Never direct the anger at yourself
Now, when most people feel angry, they usually direct it at themselves. They say things like “How could I have been so stupid?!” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” They’re in a bad situation and feeling powerless, they have their anger response, but then they get angry with themselves. Anger directed at the self is destructive. It causes depression, which feels powerless, which leads to more anger, which, when directed at the self, leads to even more powerlessness and so on. It’s like screwing the lid on a pressure cooker and turning up the heat. Sooner or later, something’s going to give. This is when you experience completely disproportionate outbursts of anger, often directed at someone who really doesn’t deserve it, like when your boyfriend takes a second too long to jump out of the shower, sprint downstairs and squash a spider on the window (which turns out to be outside), and you set fire to all his clothes as retribution. That would be considered a disproportionate and destructive anger response, with just a sprinkle of “total nut job” thrown in.
If you want to have a successful anger release, you have to make sure to direct the anger outward. Again, it doesn’t have to be done to anyone’s face, nor does it have to even be witnessed by anyone, but in your own head, look for someone to blame.
Release the anger constructively
In the aforementioned video, I give you several techniques which you can use to release the anger. I’m going to use one of those, writing an angry letter, to demonstrate how to have a successful anger release.
- Admit that you’re angry. Say, “Goddammit, I’m angry!” Swearing is optional but greatly encouraged (the more creative, the better).
- Make sure you’re angry with someone or something. Do NOT direct the anger at yourself. This could be a lot harder than you might think, so keep a watchful eye out.
- Decide whom you’re angry with. Do not choose by whom you love the least, but by whom you’re actually feeling angry towards in that moment. It’s ok if you really love them. You’re not taking away from that love in any way. They don’t even have to know that you were angry with them if you don’t want them to. Give yourself permission to be angry with them.
- Make sure you’re in a safe place and that you won’t be interrupted for some time (depending on how long you’ve been holding on to this anger, it could take anywhere from a few minutes to several hours.)
- Draft a letter to the person you’re angry with. In this letter, tell them why you are angry. Bring up every little thing they’ve ever done to piss you off. Honestly, this is the one time you have total permission to be as vindictive and petty as you like. While it might normally seem like a less than stellar idea to whine about how your brother broke your Hotwheels when he was five, especially since you’re now over thirty, this is the moment to let all that crap out. Gleefully.
- If your mind chimes in and tries to get all positive and crap (“but he helps the homeless on the weekends…”), tell it to shut up. This isn’t a court of law where evidence will be presented by both sides. This is an anger release, which is more like letting the Tasmanian Devil loose. Just let it go and don’t even try to get in the way.
- No matter how irrational, childish, illogical or untrue the thoughts may be, let them happen. When you’re releasing anger and rage, all the thoughts you’ve ever had that match that frequency are going to come rushing into your brain, like a river of nastiness.
- Now, you could try to be all Freudian and attempt to analyze those thoughts, where they came from and how you might shift them, or, you could just let the river flow through you and OUT. The middle of an anger release is definitely not the time to get all analytical. You can do that later (although, after the anger release is over, you probably won’t resonate with those thoughts anymore, which would make the analysis of them counterproductive and kind of a waste of time), but remember that this is an emotional exercise, not an intellectual one. Feel the anger in all its glory, allow every nasty thought that comes up and let it flow.
- Keep writing furiously until you run out of steam. And you will, at some point, run out of steam. Even anger that has been suppressed for years will take a surprisingly short amount of time to release, relatively speaking, once it’s actually allowed to come out.
- Enjoy the relief. Once you’ve allowed the anger to release, you will feel lighter, better and happier. This is when you can have more positive thoughts, thoughts of love, of compassion, of forgiveness. Try to do that before the anger has come out, and you’ll fail every time (providing you’re coming from a place of powerlessness).
Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions of all time, and yet one of the most healing. Releasing anger can be life changing. In these tumultuous times when it seems like every last bit of resistance we have left if being ripped right out of us, knowing how to constructively release anger is a must. It will keep you sane and will help you release the uncomfortable stuff faster. And don’t think that you don’t have any anger to release, just because you’ve never snapped and lit anyone’s clothes on fire. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have some issue that made them feel powerless. We all have them. Some are more severe than others. But trust me, as you do this work, at some point, you’re going to get angry. And when you do, for your own sake and the sake of your boyfriend’s wardrobe, let it out in a safe, healing way. You’ll be a happier, shinier puppy for it.