Coaching Call #018 has just been released. The subject of today’s call is LOA Parenting. This client believed that she was a terrible mother. We addressed questions on what makes a good parent, what a parent’s real job is, home schooling vs. the public school system and more. See a full Call Summary Here.
[Mary Carol Moran has been a frequent guest poster on this blog (because she’s awesome!). Today, she’s going to share one of the most honest, touching, authentic blog posts I’ve ever read. I feel honored to have a friend who is not only so self aware, but is willing to share her experience so freely and make herself so vulnerable in order to help others. Without further ado, here is the amazing MC:]
I’ve thought and thought about how to write this post, and haven’t come up with an easy smooth delivery. So here it is, rough edges and all…
About thirty years ago, someone abused my children. This was serious, ongoing abuse, not a one-and-done. The abuse was stopped by my older daughter, and I only found out about it ten years after the fact. I’d been aware of a personality clash, but had no idea of the actual events. I’ve spent the last many years deeply, grievously, viciously hating the abuser. Luckily we live thousands of miles apart and have met only once in the twenty intervening years.
A month ago I was all set to go on a holiday to Ireland with my younger daughter. This was our first big holiday away together in ten years. A few days before we left, I developed sciatica so painful that I was popping Tylenol like popcorn. How was I going to manage a seven hour plane trip followed by a ten-day driving tour of Ireland?
After a couple of days of suffering, I decided that I wasn’t going to sacrifice this amazing vacation for anything. The sciatica had to go. It had been dawning on me that there was an emotional component, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. That night at 3 am, in quite a bit of pain, I began to meditate. I just said, “Okay, I accept this. Whatever it is, I accept it.”
Immediately the answer came to me: I had to let go of my negative emotions surrounding my daughters’ abuser (whom I hadn’t consciously thought about in many years). ‘Forgive’ isn’t exactly the word, but I did have to let it go. Anticipating spending this happy time together, 24/7 for 10 days, with my beloved child, had brought back the intensity of my anger toward her abuser and expressed it as the sciatica that threatened to wreck our holiday.
Letting go wasn’t easy! The hatred felt so deserved and so right, that letting it go felt almost wrong. Two realizations helped. First was that my long-held anger didn’t help anyone, and hurt no one but myself. Second was that I talked with my daughter about how she coped. She’s fine, by the way! Better than fine. She said that though she doesn’t particularly like the person, who is still a peripheral part of her life, she doesn’t feel strong emotions about what happened. It’s over. If it’s over for her, then it needs to be over for me too.
As soon as the thought hit me in the middle of the meditation, the sciatica began to subside. After I talked with my daughter, it pretty much disappeared. We spent ten awesome days exploring the back roads of Ireland, surrounded by blue skies (unheard of in Ireland), visiting ancient holy places, taking thousands of photographs, relaxing, and laughing.
And That Wasn’t All
Ah… After letting go of the hatred for my children’s abuser, I thought I was home free for awhile. You know how realizations come in waves? Well, I thought this one was big enough that I’d get a break before the next one broke. Wrong.
The night after the first meditation, I woke up again at 3 am. Without even meditating, I knew immediately that there was more coming, and that it was even bigger. This part is kind of jumbled, and I’m still working on releasing it.
I realized that I have a big issue with the male sex. This is kind of odd, because I’ve always gotten along well with men. As a math teacher and computer geek, I spent a lot of professional time surrounded by men and never had problems with them. I’ve never been mistreated, harassed, passed over for promotion, nothing.
The issue surfaced because of the relationship of my ex-husband to the abuse of my children. He wasn’t the abuser, but he was in a position to know about the abuse and he didn’t stop it. Letting go of my anger for the actual abuser brought up all the old feelings of disappointment and disgust that I’ve carried around related to him. With new LOA awareness, I also asked myself, Why had I been attracted to and married a man who didn’t protect his children?
Which took me back even further.
Going Back Generations
My Mother was emotionally abusive, and my Father didn’t protect us. Ooof. Realizing this about my deeply loved Father was a big whammy. I always thought he was the “Good Parent.” Sigh.
I’m the oldest daughter of an oldest daughter of an oldest daughter of an oldest daughter. Four generations that I know about. Each oldest daughter has been indoctrinated by her mother that men are basically weak, useless creatures. The complaints, which were specific and detailed and conveyed only to the oldest daughter, were always about the husband/father.
They were never ambitious enough. Chalk this up to powerful women trying to achieve through their husbands. Nothing would have been enough. The reality was that each generation of husbands was highly successful in his field, to the point of world renown.
Men had to be sheltered from reality. No going to Daddy with a problem.
They were the weak link in the family. All the strength and cohesion comes from the mother.
How This Relates to the Law of Attraction
In case it isn’t obvious already, here’s the connection. When you are raised to see men as weak and only weak, the ONLY men you can attract will be men who eventually fulfill this expectation. Even if they start out as great guys, the woman’s low expectations will fairly quickly pull them down to her vibration. In my family, this has been going on for at least four generations, and I would bet more.
Breaking the Tradition
I began years ago to try to break the family tradition, which had surfaced in therapy. I tried to see my second husband as a regular human being, not all good or all bad, but human. We are divorced, but I didn’t think the divorce was tied to the underlying family belief. Until a few weeks ago, I thought the issue was at rest.
When I woke up after the second ‘awakening,’ I spent the day reprogramming my brain. Every time I saw a man, I thought “Good Guy!” I’ve kept practicing this mantra ever since, and it has helped. The first day, I felt an immediate lightening in my spirit. I realized that 50% of the population is NOT less worthy! I realized that I automatically expect the best of women and that I can expect the best of men too. And that when I expect the best, that’s what I’ll get.
Like I said at the start of this section, this whole issue is jumbled and complicated. I’ve never thought I had problems with men. Some of my best life-long friends have been men, including my second ex-husband. I’ve just never expected a lot from them, without realizing that that in itself was the problem!
One Last Revelation
The final lesson of the last couple of months for me has been to realize again (and this time accept) the cyclical nature of self-discovery. All of these issues are going to come up again. Nothing is “solved,” just resolved to the level I’m capable of at the moment. The Mom-issues will cycle through again, as will the Dad-issues, and the men-issues, the self-esteem issues, and the who-am-I issues.
It’s been huge for me to recognize that the sciatica was emotionally grounded, even though it was also very physically real. Clearing the physical symptoms by letting go of the unhelpful emotion was a giant step.
More and more, I see the signs that are all around us, pointing the way to health and happiness. If you have a physical pain, ask your body what’s going on. Listen for and accept the answer, even when it’s a really tough one.
As always, I look forward with great anticipation to reading your comments. Let’s have a crazy, intense, healing conversation! Hugs to Everyone!