How I Released My Hatred For The Person Who Abused My Children


Coaching Call #018 has just been released. The subject of today’s call is LOA Parenting. This client believed that she was a terrible mother. We addressed questions on what makes a good parent, what a parent’s real job is, home schooling vs. the public school system and more. See a full Call Summary Here.

[Mary Carol Moran has been a frequent guest poster on this blog (because she’s awesome!). Today, she’s going to share one of the most honest, touching, authentic blog posts I’ve ever read. I feel honored to have a friend who is not only so self aware, but is willing to share her experience so freely and make herself so vulnerable in order to help others. Without further ado, here is the amazing MC:]

I’ve thought and thought about how to write this post, and haven’t come up with an easy smooth delivery. So here it is, rough edges and all…

The Background

About thirty years ago, someone abused my children. This was serious, ongoing abuse, not a one-and-done. The abuse was stopped by my older daughter, and I only found out about it ten years after the fact. I’d been aware of a personality clash, but had no idea of the actual events. I’ve spent the last many years deeply, grievously, viciously hating the abuser. Luckily we live thousands of miles apart and have met only once in the twenty intervening years.

The Rub

A month ago I was all set to go on a holiday to Ireland with my younger daughter. This was our first big holiday away together in ten years. A few days before we left, I developed sciatica so painful that I was popping Tylenol like popcorn. How was I going to manage a seven hour plane trip followed by a ten-day driving tour of Ireland?

After a couple of days of suffering, I decided that I wasn’t going to sacrifice this amazing vacation for anything. The sciatica had to go. It had been dawning on me that there was an emotional component, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. That night at 3 am, in quite a bit of pain, I began to meditate. I just said, “Okay, I accept this. Whatever it is, I accept it.”

The Challenge

Immediately the answer came to me: I had to let go of my negative emotions surrounding my daughters’ abuser (whom I hadn’t consciously thought about in many years). ‘Forgive’ isn’t exactly the word, but I did have to let it go. Anticipating spending this happy time together, 24/7 for 10 days, with my beloved child, had brought back the intensity of my anger toward her abuser and expressed it as the sciatica that threatened to wreck our holiday.

Letting go wasn’t easy! The hatred felt so deserved and so right, that letting it go felt almost wrong. Two realizations helped. First was that my long-held anger didn’t help anyone, and hurt no one but myself. Second was that I talked with my daughter about how she coped. She’s fine, by the way! Better than fine. She said that though she doesn’t particularly like the person, who is still a peripheral part of her life, she doesn’t feel strong emotions about what happened. It’s over. If it’s over for her, then it needs to be over for me too.

The Solution

As soon as the thought hit me in the middle of the meditation, the sciatica began to subside. After I talked with my daughter, it pretty much disappeared. We spent ten awesome days exploring the back roads of Ireland, surrounded by blue skies (unheard of in Ireland), visiting ancient holy places, taking thousands of photographs, relaxing, and laughing.

And That Wasn’t All

Ah… After letting go of the hatred for my children’s abuser, I thought I was home free for awhile. You know how realizations come in waves? Well, I thought this one was big enough that I’d get a break before the next one broke. Wrong.

The night after the first meditation, I woke up again at 3 am. Without even meditating, I knew immediately that there was more coming, and that it was even bigger. This part is kind of jumbled, and I’m still working on releasing it.

I realized that I have a big issue with the male sex. This is kind of odd, because I’ve always gotten along well with men. As a math teacher and computer geek, I spent a lot of professional time surrounded by men and never had problems with them. I’ve never been mistreated, harassed, passed over for promotion, nothing.

The issue surfaced because of the relationship of my ex-husband to the abuse of my children. He wasn’t the abuser, but he was in a position to know about the abuse and he didn’t stop it. Letting go of my anger for the actual abuser brought up all the old feelings of disappointment and disgust that I’ve carried around related to him. With new LOA awareness, I also asked myself, Why had I been attracted to and married a man who didn’t protect his children?

Which took me back even further.

Going Back Generations

My Mother was emotionally abusive, and my Father didn’t protect us. Ooof. Realizing this about my deeply loved Father was a big whammy. I always thought he was the “Good Parent.” Sigh.

I’m the oldest daughter of an oldest daughter of an oldest daughter of an oldest daughter. Four generations that I know about. Each oldest daughter has been indoctrinated by her mother that men are basically weak, useless creatures. The complaints, which were specific and detailed and conveyed only to the oldest daughter, were always about the husband/father.

They were never ambitious enough. Chalk this up to powerful women trying to achieve through their husbands. Nothing would have been enough. The reality was that each generation of husbands was highly successful in his field, to the point of world renown.

Men had to be sheltered from reality. No going to Daddy with a problem.

They were the weak link in the family. All the strength and cohesion comes from the mother.

How This Relates to the Law of Attraction

In case it isn’t obvious already, here’s the connection. When you are raised to see men as weak and only weak, the ONLY men you can attract will be men who eventually fulfill this expectation. Even if they start out as great guys, the woman’s low expectations will fairly quickly pull them down to her vibration. In my family, this has been going on for at least four generations, and I would bet more.

Breaking the Tradition

I began years ago to try to break the family tradition, which had surfaced in therapy. I tried to see my second husband as a regular human being, not all good or all bad, but human. We are divorced, but I didn’t think the divorce was tied to the underlying family belief. Until a few weeks ago, I thought the issue was at rest.

It’s not.

When I woke up after the second ‘awakening,’ I spent the day reprogramming my brain. Every time I saw a man, I thought “Good Guy!” I’ve kept practicing this mantra ever since, and it has helped. The first day, I felt an immediate lightening in my spirit. I realized that 50% of the population is NOT less worthy! I realized that I automatically expect the best of women and that I can expect the best of men too. And that when I expect the best, that’s what I’ll get.

Like I said at the start of this section, this whole issue is jumbled and complicated. I’ve never thought I had problems with men. Some of my best life-long friends have been men, including my second ex-husband. I’ve just never expected a lot from them, without realizing that that in itself was the problem!

One Last Revelation

The final lesson of the last couple of months for me has been to realize again (and this time accept) the cyclical nature of self-discovery. All of these issues are going to come up again. Nothing is “solved,” just resolved to the level I’m capable of at the moment. The Mom-issues will cycle through again, as will the Dad-issues, and the men-issues, the self-esteem issues, and the who-am-I issues.

It’s been huge for me to recognize that the sciatica was emotionally grounded, even though it was also very physically real. Clearing the physical symptoms by letting go of the unhelpful emotion was a giant step.

More and more, I see the signs that are all around us, pointing the way to health and happiness. If you have a physical pain, ask your body what’s going on. Listen for and accept the answer, even when it’s a really tough one.

As always, I look forward with great anticipation to reading your comments. Let’s have a crazy, intense, healing conversation! Hugs to Everyone!


Mary Carol

About the Author

  • Avatar Kat says:

    Hey MC,

    Great post! It saddens me how we are conditioned so much by family and others when we are innocent, taking us out of the zone and into distorted places causing us pain and turmoil down the road we need to fix. Child abuse also saddens me.

    I, too, suffer from sciatic pain from time to time. Though these posts really help, I have not figured out the basis for it. I guess it is enough that I am more aware of it and the time will come, if I continue this work, when ill find the root cause and let it go.

    • Hi Kat,

      Sorry to hear about the sciatica. It’s a bitch! I had it years ago and thought I “cured” it with ballet and then yoga. I think what actually happened was that yes, the muscles got stronger and took pressure off the nerve, but even more important, I got more and more centered in my spirit.

      Keep meditating and asking your body what’s going on. Does the pain flare up at in certain circumstances? Could that be a clue to the emotional underpinning?

      My huge emotional take-away from the past abuse has been a deep respect, even awe, for the amazing strength of my children. At ten years old, the eldest refused to step foot in the house of the abuser. Since the two girls were always together, this protected her younger sister. And as I said in the post, they are both happy, successful, fulfilled adults.

      Hugs, Kat! Thanks for your thoughtful comment!

      Mary Carol

  • Avatar Annie Lovejoy says:


    we walk a very similar path you and me.

    I am currently in the process of releasing and forgiving using EFT and other energy release techniques and heart meditation. I too got sciatica last week after one of the most horrendous shocks I have ever had regarding some of the men in my life. Interesting!

    (and also interesting that it was a sexual subject too)

    Interesting you say about the waves. I had one this morning – came out of nowhere. BUT I’m getting really good at emotional surfing 😀 Riding the waves baby!!!!

    Sending love & healing for your next wave <3

    • Hi Annie,

      Thanks for joining the conversation. I’ve felt a connection between our lives before, too. Maybe we’ll meet one day?

      How great that you are finding ways to release the unhelpful emotions of the past! What works for me is to put on the Reiki background music, light some incense, lie down with obsidian rocks on my chakras, and let the tears flow. I’m not much of a crier, but the Reiki music always works. Whatever was lurking and causing residual pain surfaces and the tears help wash it away.

      I should clarify that the abuse of my children was not sexual. I’ll put that in a general comment so hopefully everyone will read it. I don’t want to mis-represent the situation.

      Thanks for the good vibes! Sending them back at you… with huge hugs,

      Mary Carol

    • Hi Annie, I added a couple more thoughts to the post in a comment below, in case you want to read them. Hugs! MC

  • Melodie,

    Wow! This blog post helps me understand some of things I have witnessed in my family much better. Thank you. Now I can deal those situations better simply by understanding them.

  • Hi Everyone,

    I’d like to clarify a couple of things that I omitted from the post.

    First, the abuse of my children was NOT sexual.

    Second, I’ve realized in the last few days that the hatred I harbored so deep was distancing me from my Soul. My Soul is always here with me. I can feel her in every moment. It wasn’t that she moved away from me, but that the hatred moved me away from her. The connection to Soul is so strong, the disconnect manifested in severe pain. Wow! Talk about a sign!

    Third, and this may be a whole other post, I’m beginning to get a further realization related to pain itself, emotional and physical. It’s not clear yet, but the hazy outline is that denying pain, saying to yourself, “I’m fine,” is also distancing yourself from the Soul. Like I said, this is hazy.

    The goal is not to be always happy, but to feel EVERYTHING fully, and then to let it go absolutely. Somehow, we can ‘enjoy’ pain just as much as we ‘enjoy’ joy, because they are both intrinsic, tangled up elements of existence.

    Hugs to Everyone, and thank you again for reading and participating. I learn so much from you all!

    Mary Carol

    • Avatar Kat says:

      Yes, Mary Carol!

      I wanted to ask you this question, but was not sure where to ask it. I was going to go to the post in which you wrote about your Soul, and you posted this! Ahh!

      Indeed, it is all about feeling all the emotions, including pain and joy, and then letting go! (It would be better to take things in stride and feel joy most of the time, though). This is what some of us have trouble with and are learning to do slowly, and, I hope, surely. This is part of being enlightened and I get that.

      I feel my Soul is always there as well. She/It’s presence is just there, always smiling no matter what, so this is how I know she is along for the ride, very sympathetic and empathetic, with answers to my inquiries, like nothing is a big deal, no sweat. I hope I described this well, as it is the best I can do, so I hope I found my Soul, too! Thanks!

      • Wow, Kat!

        You nailed it. That’s exactly what it feels like for me too. There’s an absolute sureness to it that feels so awesome, anything that distances me from my Soul becomes too painful to ignore.

        I think of my Soul as a she, but maybe that reflects the whole issue with men that I wrote about in the post… Hmmmm… You’ve given me something more to think about. Thanks!


        • Avatar Kat says:

          Haha, MC! That is a very good point.

          You know, it dawned on me that, as Abe says, we are in despair when we have not caught up to our inner being. I see this so clearly now! Oh my it is crystal clear! Yet, I must add that, even in the depths of despair I learned things and opened channels and became even more aware of things had I not gone through that. You know? I actually noticed when the days started getting shorter in October and longer in February. I noticed the birds, the squirrels and the stars in the sky. If we are even smaller specs than the stars in the sky, the WTF?

          All the while, my soul was there, just smiling all the time because it is always happy! I would have said darn it, it’s always so damn happy but it is right in this respect! So, if we do truly connect with it, of course we will be far better off, but even in disconnect, we learn things that sink in once we are connected to it again. Thanks so much, MC!

          • Hee hee, Kat!

            We really are on the same wavelength. Knowing my Soul is calmly interested even in the most dire circumstances helps me lighten up. It’s the ‘detached’ part of compassion. It only took me about 40 years to figure out how to be compassionate and detached at the same time…

            In the middle of last night, I was worrying about the change in management at animal control. I know I can’t work with the incoming director. I kept wondering, what am I going to do? What should I do? This morning I woke up with the answer crystal clear. I’m NOT here on the planet to accomplish some mysterious goal that’s always a step out of reach.

            My Soul is contented, and I connect most when the physical-I feels contented. So I should do what makes me happy – hugging puppies, sculpting, and writing. Wow! That was easy! And it sounds like a lot more fun than some complicated plan to save the world (as in the world of homeless dogs). When I’m in that space of connection, exactly the right actions will spontaneously appear. Yeah!

            Hugely enjoying this conversation – thank you! Hugs,

            Mary Carol

          • Avatar Kat says:

            Oh my goodness, MC, yes! That’s it! All the masters say what you just said and truly realized! Spot on! From that point, however, you are in a great place to move on to bigger things, etc. that is sort of like the ore-requisite, as I understand it.

            People who do not follow convention have known this. I actually felt the high of their energy at a concert a few weeks ago, and I thought man, they sure know what they are doing and that is the way to go. That is the closest example I can provide at the moment. That vibrational high is what I aim to experience again and we do so by what you mentioned above!

            It is always a pleasure to chat with you!

  • Avatar Pat says:

    Good post Mary Carol and amazing how you were shown the issue causing your pain and how you intuitively knew what to do to bring about healing. You must truly be tuned into your spirit and body. I know it’s an ongoing process.

    • Hi Pat,

      It took a catalyst for this particular issue to surface. The extended trip with my daughter triggered the anger which led to the sciatica. And it took the exceptional circumstance of a once-in-ten-years trip to push me clear the issue rather than to just put up with the pain.

      I believe the signs are here for all of us, all the time. The hard part is to see them, and then to follow them to their conclusion. What event or person or circumstance is so important to you (not you personally, but anyone) that you won’t put up with the pain any longer? When you reach that point, and you ask for clarity, your vision will clear. Then it’s a matter of letting go of the real source of the pain.

      Thanks for writing, Pat. It’s always good to hear from you. Hugs,

      Mary Carol

      • Avatar Pat says:

        Your right about that Mary Carol. The signs are here all the time for us. Most times I don’t really know the underlying cause or root of what’s going on but if I choose a positive view or energy to work through it, there’s almost always a release or healing.

        • Good point, Pat. We don´t always need to understand something intellectually in order to release it. When we see a sign, or something that feels like it might be a sign, we can call up positive energy, and that energy will help us with whatever has caused the sign to appear.Yeah for release and healing!

          Extra hugs,


  • Avatar Tony says:

    Oh Melody this article is soooo good. It reflects the law of attraction hugely. I remember long ago when a friend of mine was consistently verbally abused by her boyfriend. She eventually left him and met a real nice guy. It turns out he was too nice, and she eventually left him and went back to her abusive boyfriend. I still remember that day, it’s so clear, when I asked her WHY! Why did you go back to him when you had such a nice guy that treated you so well? She said, and I will never forget this, “He was too nice, and I wasn’t used to that” WHAT!!! I couldn’t believe what she said! Well, years later here I am a relationship coach and now I get it.

    I meet so many people (mostly women) that wonder why they attract these men into their lives. Every situation is different and should be approach individually, however, law of attraction plays a big part in all of this. It’s too deep of a subject to go into here, but I agree we are conditioned and programmed to carry on the legacy of past generations.

    In 2008 I attended an Abraham seminar, Ester talked about the “Law of Allowing” Wow! talk about forgiveness. Two weeks later my wife met a man and within one week she wanted to be with him. She moved out and left me with our two daughters.

    I didn’t realize it then, but she changed my life tremendously, in a good way of course. There were so many benefits to what happen to me that I can’t list them all. At the time I was taking a martial arts class and my instructor never knew I was going through a divorce until one year later. He said every student that went through a divorce eventually quit the class because of the enormous pressure. Not once did he notice a change in me, and he is very intuitive.

    Thank you Abraham for teaching me the Law of Allowing, and thank you Tony (that’s me) for being the first in my family to break through this conditioned belief system.
    And thank you Melody for all your wonderful work.

    Still the new puppy, Tony

  • Avatar Nay says:

    Wow MC,

    Such deep and painful subjects. Which brings again the importance of truly knowing ourselves, really looking at ‘what’ we feel and experience, and ‘when’ these strong emotions and/or pain and sickness appear. Such huge clues for us to follow!

    And our feelings about the opposite sex and same sex. How much of my reactions are based on deeply ingrained beliefs? I’ve had a few revelations around my husband, tied to other males in my life. And I’ve had revelations about my self image that revolved around my mother and stepmother. Some huge, some little. But each one has been such a surprise and so heartfelt.

    So I’ve experienced those sudden realizations, then the release, only to find it surfacing again at a future time. As you said, it goes in cycles. And for me, the more I release something, the better I feel, and the less traumatic the later releases seem to be, in that area. Not quite so smooth and easy on newer surprising revelations. But the healing really gets to rolling when we sit up and pay attention to those guidance systems, our wonderful emotions.

    And you have definitely got my mind going on why I have certain issues in my body…I guess it’s time to dig in a little and see just what I find. 😯 Scary exciting stuff coming up, I’m sure! Because I have issues that pop up following my visit with specific people, on a regular basis. Really really want to figure it out, but…yeah, like I said, a little scary. Makes me laugh at myself!!! I’ve been such a happy thing recently I don’t want to dive too deep. But I know it can only get better when I let go of anything that causes me trouble.

    Thank you so much for this wonderful guidance. I love that you found these long hidden trouble spots, and that you share them with such grace and knowledge for others.

    Amazing MC!

    • Hi Nay,

      Your comment makes me smile! It’s fun to have company on this amazing journey. I get to the happy place, too, and don’t necessarily want to rock the boat. Trouble is, the boat rocks its own self!

      Right now I feel like I opened a box (Pandora, anyone?), and all the big and little angers and fears are bubbling out. The other night I got panicky about scorpions and couldn’t sleep all night! Arggg! Scorpions???

      Let me know what you figure out about physical symptoms. This whole topic fascinates me. Channeling the inner nerd…

      Giant slightly tipsy (as in boat-rocky) hugs,

      Mary Carol

  • Avatar Annie Lovejoy says:

    many apologies for assuming it was sexual. Guess it mirrored back to me where I am eh! (and I’m normally so good with NOT assuming lol)

    Lotsa LOVE <3

  • Avatar DawnStar says:

    Hmmm Mary Carol, I have an issue with men too and it’s been on my mind to ask Melody about it in the last few weeks. I also have some questions on abuse with regard to LOA that I’m sitting with so, you’ve prompted me to bundle them off to her asap :]

    Just as you describe the cyclical nature of things, you can only understand at the time what you can understand at the time – it’s like the princess and the pea. Feeling a hugely painful and uncomfortable lump that causes bruises and abrasions, all through 20 thick feather mattresses and having to take them all off one by one until you find the tiny culprit. And that tiny culprit could be a word, or a teeny slice of time, or an action or even your misinterpretation of something that was so small and insignificant at the time, but that slipped right between the cracks and embedded itself deep in your sub-conscious.

    I’ve taken off several mattresses and just as I think I’m getting close to my ‘men’ pea, because my discomfort becomes less frequent, I’ll see, hear or read something that makes my shrinking pea feel like it’s been zapped with a ‘huge-inator’ ray and made massive again. I just deal with each one as it comes. We are never given more than we can handle and of course, it comes to order. We can choose to experience it with ease and grace or we can expect pain, turmoil and drama. Most of us still believe that enlightenment can only be reached through great suffering. It’s almost like we don’t allow ourselves the ‘ease’ option because we have to feel we’ve earned it. Joyful enlightenment seems like getting in through the back door somehow. It’s serious stuff after all!! Bullshit.

    So, anyhoo, yes, I have found an anchor hooked right through my shoulder. It’s connected to a chain and the chain is connected to something much bigger. I can see the shadow of something huge sitting above and off to my left hand side. If I can unhook the anchor the other thing will leave too, I don’t have to deal with both. I’ve had very restricted and painful movement in the shoulder for the last few years but I’m gaining more and more back, so I’m getting somewhere. It’s been popping and clicking and clunking a lot too. I feel that’s good. It, and I, are re-aligning.

    I’ll let you know how it goes :]

    • Hi Dawnstar,

      Thanks for sharing your story. I love the way you’ve been able to connect the shoulder pain with the issue. My sister told me of an experience where she focused on a part of her body, even giving it a name, and had a conversation with it. Our bodies have so much to tell us!

      Do keep me posted on how things go. Do you find that issues come up in constellations? Get some clarity on one, and that opens the door for a bunch of others that want to clear out too.

      Thanks again for sharing the journey. I love your metaphors! Hugs,

      Mary Carol

      • Avatar DawnStar says:

        Our bodies are like Dr Who’s tardis (I’m from the UK, sorry if you don’t know who Dr Who is :]). They look quite small and compact, but the storage capacity is infinite, like a walk-in wardrobe that looks like a closet but that has door after door after compartment after compartment that actually leads into another closet, and another and another. With all those doors, drawers, boxes, shelves and hanging rails, it’s unfathomable.

        When I do chakra or energy work with a client I am often overwhelmed with the amount of information and stories their bodies tell me. Not only from this life but from past lives too :]

        I found some long held limiting beliefs in my shoulder this morning and I got some clarification on the shadow. I had pictured it like the bottom of a huge ship. It felt like there were was a crew aboard working frantically, piling things up on the deck to make it heavier and heavier. Now, I see that’s not accurate. It’s more like one of those floating islands of plastic bags and containers. The shadow is made of thousands upon thousands of tiny little components all clumped together. Any one of them alone, light and insubstantial, would have caught on the wind and been carried away to wherever, but I didn’t allow that to happen. Somehow, I managed them into a bulky mass and then hooked them into my shoulder so that I had both hands free to tie more and more on. I was really good at collecting them too, I suspect a lot of them aren’t even mine. I used to be so obliging at picking up other people’s rubbish :]

        Cool. I’m on to it now and we all know what that means :]

        Yes, I do find these revelations come in clusters. But I also know that I don’t have to turn over every stone. I don’t need to go digging. I used to. In my seeking days, when I felt I needed to know the answers to everything, I would go after ‘issues’ like a rat up a drain-pipe but now, I realise that the more ‘issues’ I go digging for the more I create. My focus is more towards being whole than being fractured. Anything I need to know will present itself to me and if it does it’s only so I can let it go. I don’t need to work on myself. Otherwise everything turns into such a boring, stressful hamster wheel of ‘what’s wrong with me!’

        I prefer to live in ease and joy, fun and flow and we know that that which we believe, we create :]

        Light filled oms my beauties

        • Hi DawnStar,

          I love Dr. Who! I think I’ve seen every episode ever made, through all the various actors and incarnations. The Tardis a perfect analogy for the body – yes!

          Too bad we’re on different continents. I’d love to get your help with my chakras. I’ve been told that my third chakra is kind of not there – well, there but scattered – probably from being an empath. I still can’t really tell if an emotion is ‘my own’ or is something I’ve absorbed from someone else. At this point, I just try to release everything, regardless of the source. There’s always something in the release for me, or I wouldn’t have attracted the issue in the first place.

          I agree with you 100% about not going looking for issues. Forget it! They show up just fine on their own. I have an strong intention to become ‘clear,’ which keeps the issues rolling sometimes faster than is comfortable.

          It’s comforting to have a whole community here that seem to be on the same page, more or less. Company on the journey! Ahhhh and YEAH!

          More hugs,

          Mary Carol

          • Avatar DawnStar says:

            Well, Mary Carol I can still help with chakra alignment from way down here in Kiwi-Agogo-Land. Ask Melody for my email address and we’ll take it from there if you like :]

            I don’t know how long ago that reading was but it’s not what I feel from you now :]

          • Thanks DawnStar! I’ll be in touch. Wow! Huge hugs, MC

  • Avatar Laura says:

    It’s amazing the insights that can come from doing our own emotional work.
    The way you describe how it’s jumbled and hazy…I identify with that. I’m doing much emotional work myself and I find that when I’m present with the emotion and just feel it, not deny it or repress it, like I’ve done so much of, it seems to release itself. Not always forever and I need to revisit, but being present with the feeling, honoring it has a real healing effect. Check out a technique called Focusing. But then qi gong, tai chi or even Yoga can help too. And of course mindfulness meditation is good too, which it seems is what you’re practicing, going by what you wrote.

    Lots of us have a tendency to try to “logical-ize” (yeah I made that word up.) 🙂 that stuff. When really it’s not black and white for starters and when we deal with emotion, it’s tough to line it up with the intellect. We can argue and argue but I think we’re just trying to find a way to accept it, argue it into sense with ourselves so we can stop being angry, sad or whatever difficult emotion we’re fighting. And all it really does is serve to keep us frustrated about what is. Acceptance is difficult.

    Intellectually knowing you “should” get over something, doesn’t make it happen. As you said, a release needs to take place.

    I would love to know how your daughter put it behind her in such a way that she is living her life, being confident and not allowing the abuse to define her and bring her down.

    Thank you for sharing a subject that I’m sure took some courage to put out here. Thank you for trusting us. But to be honest, (not being mean) it doesn’t (still) quite sound like you’ve completely let it go.


    • Hi Laura,

      You’re right, of course – I haven’t totally let it go. It’s more like I let it float through rather than grabbing on and wallowing in the anger.

      Thank you for listing some methods for releasing. I do tai chi, qi gong, yoga, and meditation, not all of them all the time, but whichever feels right at the moment. Whatever connects us to our true selves will help us release the emotions that no longer serve us.

      My daughters rejected the abuse. I think that helped a lot. The older one got the younger one out, and her actions empowered both of them. Awful as it was, knowing at ages seven and ten that you have the strength to choose your own destiny is powerful stuff. They were both also engaged in a lot of physical activities, both sports and dance, and that helped build self-esteem too.

      Thanks again for writing in. Hugs,

      Mary Carol

  • Avatar tony says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience and your thoughts. I guess we are not supposed to be happy when thinking on this topic but it made me think a lot. I see it as a story in a story (Your daughter’s story in your story).

    Is this manifestation supposed to tell us that
    a)if we accepted a belief to be true it will come true? (your part)
    b)how it will come true is up to those who are willing to cooperate to make it true (your daughters-allies and father+abuser-enemies part)

    {in this case: breaking out of generational patterns is tough}

    Does your daughter’s reaction to protect her sister show us your resistance?
    1)it will be true , but the circle has to break
    2)the world can be dangerous, family members must stay close and protect each other
    3)the older have to be stronger and look after the younger
    4)which implies the younger are weaker, they lack knowledge
    5)good will win in the end

    By the way, your description reminds me of the functions of folk tales, as Propp describes them (
    1) A member of a family leaves the security of the home environment
    2) An interdiction is addressed to the hero (‘don’t go there’, ‘don’t do this’
    3) The interdiction is violated (villain enters the tale)
    4) The villain makes an attempt at reconnaissance.They may speak with a member of the family who innocently divulges information. They may also seek to meet the hero, perhaps knowing already the hero is special in some way.
    5) The villain gains information about the victim
    6) The villain attempts to deceive the victim (tries to win confidence of victim).
    7) Victim taken in by deception, unwittingly helping the enemy. Victim naively acts in a way that helps the villain.
    8) Villain causes harm/injury to family member
    9) Misfortune or lack is made known.The hero now discovers the act of villainy or lack, perhaps finding their family or community devastated or caught up in a state of anguish and woe.

    Conclusion and final question:
    Instead of focusing on how to get over the consequencies of something that happened in the past, shouldn’t we realise that this was just a script and focus on how to imagine better scripts to live (and resolve the “I cannot do that” issues, so the new script becomes a reality)? E.g the last part where you describe your journey and it’s healing effects

    • Interesting ideas, Tony!

      Focusing on changing the script is exactly what we do to end generational patterns. My sisters and I consciously tried to raise our children differently than we were raised. Sure, we made mistakes as parents! Our goal was just to make different, brand new mistakes – ha ha. At this point, we count our blessings that all of our offspring are healthy, contented, successful on their own terms adults.

      Your point about folk stories is so true. I keep returning to the Fisher King. I guess my ten year old discovered her inner warrior. She actually did run away to make her point, and insisted that the landscape change on her return.

      I think releasing old pain isn’t focusing on the past, but rather letting it go. When we sublimate pain, it continues and spreads underground. Expose it to the light, and it turns to dust. Maybe that’s a psychological underpinning to vampire stories.

      Wow! Thank you again for a thought provoking comment! Hugs,

      Mary Carol

  • What a fantastic post. Wow. Thank you for sharing your insight and that it’s so true that issues will cycle through again and again and each time you will resolve it to ‘the level you are at’. I keep forgetting this, so THANK YOU for the reminder.

  • Avatar Susan says:

    I participated in Blog Action day and one of the links I shared was this one… thanks for the inspiration!

  • Mary Carol & Melody,
    I loved your post!
    I can only imagine how upsetting it would be to know that your children went through something like this. I’m glad that your daughter was able to move on and now you.

    I can relate totally to the family dynamics you described about your parents though. It is so true that we take our expectations with us from relationship to relationship.

    Hopefully, we become conscious enough (as you have) to begin to see the pattern and understand its origins. For me, it’s a life-long excavation process – there’s a village under there so I have a long way to go.

    • Hi Angela,

      That’s a powerful and helpful image – a whole village to excavate!

      It’s interesting to me that ‘understanding’ isn’t enough. I’ve ‘understood’ these issues for years. It’s only through knowing at a gut level that I AM God, that I’ve begun to release the emotions so the real healing takes place. We need a powerful motivation to let go of old familiar pains. Having felt the connection to Soul, the motivation to stay connected is overwhelming. Anything that gets in the way has to go.

      Thank you for sharing your insights! Hugs,

      Mary Carol

  • Avatar patricia says:

    I am working on figuring out a huge pain right now…my hiatal hernia from child birth is speaking to me nearly constantly right now and all night long – I am back to sitting in a chair to sleep…I feel like one vertebrae in my back at the same location is poking out of place – I know they are related…what is this pain…I want to release…more anger…

    I can not write more, other than to say thank you for sharing your story – it is reassuring when at the moment of greatest pain – sometimes the pain makes one feel all alone. It is so demanding….back to meditation

    • Hugs, Patricia.

      Hang in there. It sounds like you’re ready to let something surface and begin to release. You are so right that it’s comforting to have company on the journey, and I truly appreciate your writing to share where you are tonight.

      More hugs – sending good vibes –

      Mary Carol

  • Avatar Alice says:

    Oh Mary:

    “he was in a position to know about the abuse and he didn’t stop it. Letting go of my anger for the actual abuser brought up all the old feelings of disappointment and disgust that I’ve carried around related to him. With new LOA awareness, I also asked myself, Why had I been attracted to and married a man who didn’t protect his children?”

    To me that is the worst…worse than the abuser… The abuser is mentally ill, the parent….well THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER! (not shouting, there’s just no option to bold words)
    Wow. You are so brave. Amazing. 🙂 I have a lot of respect for a person that can do that.
    Somethings for me I can let go of big things (that others struggle with) but things other find petty are big for me.
    So I could let go of someone punching me in the head, easier than a person doing or saying certain things designed to really hurt you. The more deliberate the action VS an impulsive act will get to me more. Some people say I need to get over words, but I’m pretty sensitive to them. 🙂
    So well done! This was your big thing and you did it! *cheers*

    I wish I could find the roots of my ailments. I just cannot meditate for the life of me. I think I have resistance around removing resistance!!!! I’m being hit by a few at the same time lately..too much at once.
    I’m in a very good mood right now, doing alot of good things..yet some of the pain is still there…so I question the frequency thing in LOA..
    because often I am actually happy, not fake happy, real happy and optimistic. But my health still brings issues and brings me down sometimes and creates a domino effect.

    I felt joyous today, but had to admit certain physical pain was STILL there. Not enough to wreck my day, but sometimes it’s so big (like your back) that you can’t just grit your teeth and ignore it!
    Glad to hear that is normal! Sometimes I think “I know LOA, so I should really smile and not give this pain any attention!” That ain’t working! 😉

    I think maybe the LOA view of health doesn’t resonate with me. It’s all about digging and I feel that the key to me feeling happy is not digging, just moving on and being positive as my past has too many skeletons and trying to analyze where the heck all my symptoms came from, looking at them drags my mood right down!
    How you this this without getting caught up in the roots as you removed them is, again, amazing.


    • Hi Alice,

      Thank you for making the point that what’s big for one person may not be big for another person. It all comes down to not judging. We don’t have a broad enough vista to judge anything or anyone.

      I have the same thing going on with my health. Some things come up and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. Melody’s post today on intellectualizing is going to help a lot! I think the best thing to do is relax and let things be what they are. Yes, I have a rash on my neck. Yes, it clearly relates to some emotional resistance, and no, I don’t have any idea what that resistance is. But when the spirit is ready, the issue will clarify and the rash will clear. Worrying about it just prolongs the process. Being happy in the middle of the physical issues is part of the solution!

      I agree with you that sometimes we need to just let past pain release, without reliving or analyzing it. See if you can come up with a metaphor that works for you. Two of mine are releasing sand bags from a hot air balloon (there’s a post on this), and burning the blockage (I picture big rocks) and letting running water wash away the ashes. I know rocks don’t burn, but that makes the metaphor work even better for me.

      I think using the LOA as a call to dig is one interpretation, but it isn’t mine. My Soul could care less about the past. It’s over. Let’s enjoy the present. Truly, the past no longer exists, only the echoes which we can release into the Universe and no longer hear.

      Thank you for your thoughtful comment, as always! Hugs,

      Mary Carol

      • Avatar Alice says:

        Hi Mary,

        Good reply. 🙂 Glad you liked the compliments.

        “I think using the LOA as a call to dig is one interpretation, but it isn’t mine. My Soul could care less about the past.”

        Are you sure you are Melodys’ friend? LOL! 🙂 *shock, horror* That just discredited most of her coaching business!
        Also most off her blog is about digging up resistance!!!!!! Did you read it?

        “Thoughtful” why, thank you, much appreciated, 🙂

        • Hi Alice,

          Sometimes it’s helpful to look at the past in order to clarify where there’s resistance. But if you’re already manifesting the resistance clearly, you can often just let it go. If you’re angry and you don’t know why, digging around a little may help you identify an experience or left-over emotion that you want to release. If you already know that you’re angry about the abuse of your children, for example, there’s no need to dig around in the pain of the experience in order to say “Enough!”

          Hope that clarifies a little. Sorry if I was unclear in the original explanation. Thanks for asking!



          • Avatar Alice says:

            Hi MC,

            You are very interesting to me and I don’t know why.

            I feel I have more in common with Melody, but sometimes in certain mood I prefer your blogs and feel very connected to them.
            But other times I can’t even read them.

            Either way it provokes an intense feeling one way or the other and that is very curious.

            I take it as a good thing.

            You were clear, I just have discord in my ears.

  • Avatar Alice says:

    Separate question for Melody:

    I have met many people that have 1000x worse life than most people, more emotional issues etc
    YET they have no health problems!!! Some have been REALLY negative, complain, are not happy, run circles around the biggest of sadsacks…
    Yet their bodies are perfect!!! WTF? 😉

    Why does one person have so many (in comparison to say… some really disturbed person), yet someone who has had worse things (and no, they didn’t get over them or deal with them better) isn’t sick?
    What about some child killer or other weirdo and they don’t get sick, despite obvious signs that if you kill children, I’m willing to bet you sure ain’t positive!

    Wouldn’t LOA thought suggest that pretty much everyone that was hurt by this or that will have some illness?
    Or that if you do negative actions (like kill children etc) it will be returned to you good out, good back in theory.

    To be fair some have perfect bodies, but other issues (huge debt, house problems etc)
    but some have no major issues!
    What is going on there???

    Some of the happiest, lovely people get horrible disease. This doesn’t gel with LOA and the whole positivity thingo…

    • Hi Alice,

      I’m going to jump in here and say that there’s no way anyone can know what’s really going on with another person. And it’s none of our business anyway. Is your Soul wondering, “Why me?” “Why not them?” Nope!

      As an example, I knew a young woman who was drop dead gorgeous (like magazine covers and heads turn on the street), an excellent athlete, and valedictorian of her class. She was also emotionally troubled to the point of attempting suicide. You NEVER know by what you observe about another person.

      The LOA is working all the time, just like gravity and quantum physics, and just like quantum physics, we don’t always understand it.

      So we are left with tremendous compassion for all things, and doing the best we can working on our own selves.

      Hope this helps, Alice. I look forward to reading Melody’s response too. More hugs,

      Mary Carol

      • Avatar Alice says:

        Hi Mary,

        I feel that when people jump in it influences how Melody would reply, as she has a tendency to be harmonious with whatever is said. Unless they said something crazy-off-kilter to what she believe in a strong way, she is agreeable.

        Probrably not now, as she’s also strong-willed so might disagree to prove me wrong 😉 (as this is a hidiously cheeky comment-LOL)or be slightly offended here, as I can see how the above paragraph could be taken the wrong way.
        We’ll see.

        I think that you misunderstood my comment : “Why me?” “Why not them?”

        That’s NOT why I’m asking. I don’t want it to be “them” as most of the people I’m thinking of (ok not the child killer example) are VERY close. I DON’T want it to be them, and I DON’T pity myself.
        I gather the thinking here (in L.O.A.) is that problem=sick. And that’s what I’m trying to understand.

        “You NEVER know by what you observe about another person.”

        Is kinda false with people close to you. You know enough to know they aren’t medically ill. Actually in the case of the one I live, eat, sleep and spend recreation time with…I’m pretty sure I know them almost as much as I know myself.

        The lady you referenced isn’t really what I was thinking of.. in fact I’d think someone like that would be under a lot of pressure to keep up standards.
        I’m not talking about uber-successful hotties…. that may be all surface with no depth. They could be dying inside.
        I’m talking of the opposite…..people that have told me they are clearly in emotional pain..but not ill.
        I’m not judging imaginary things……………it’s fact that someone said “I am not happy” and their body works really well. That’s basically what I’m talking about. On a very basic level.

        • Avatar Alice says:

          ****”The LOA is working all the time, just like gravity and quantum physics, and just like quantum physics, we don’t always understand it.”

          People do understand these things. They are called scientists! 😉

          They know how microwaves, electricity, gravity, “quantum” physics and all the examples people use in L.O.A. as things we “don’t” understand as examples.

          L.O.A. is only at work all the time for those religious in L.O.A. spirituality.

          • Hi Alice,

            Apologies for mis-paraphrasing your words. I think the information stands, though, and Melody explains it beautifully in the response below.


          • Avatar Alice says:

            Hi Mary,

            Apologies make me cringe sometimes. I don’t expect them! It’s an awkward feeling.
            The infomation doesn’t stand if the two people are talking about two different things.

            Thanks for your reply. 🙂

    • Hey Alice,

      You can’t really judge another person’s manifestations. There isn’t some list of manifestations that corresponds to certain vibrations. Every person manifests their reality in exactly the way that’s perfect for them. So, you can’t look at someone who has cancer and declare that they must have a lower vibration than someone who is healthy. We really have no idea what caused that cancer. The negative manifestations we receive are always a factor of our discord – where we are on an issue versus where Who We Really Are is. Both of those points are personal to each of us. You can’t compare. And the severity of the manifestation has to do with how long we’ve been ignoring it (not consciously, of course). The actual manifestation itself will feel to us the way the belief feels and will be the perfect way for us to overcome that particular belief. So you see, each manifestation is incredibly customized to each of us.

      The child killer isn’t going to manifest more negative stuff because he’s killing kids (that would imply that there’s punishment or karma). He’s killing kids because he’s in an immeasurable amount of pain. Those horrible actions are the manifestation. Your actions are manifestations, too. This is why when you change your vibration, your actions change. You are inspired to act differently. And why just trying to change your actions with willpower doesn’t work for very long, if you don’t change your vibration.

      I hope that all makes sense.

      And I’m not influenced by the answers of others, lol, so don’t worry. I’m actually happy if people jump in. Sometimes they say what I would’ve said and then it’s less work for me, ha, ha. Often, they add to it in very interesting ways. It’s always perfect. 🙂

      Huge hugs!!!


      • Avatar Alice says:

        Lightbulb Melody,

        Well you need to make this clearer to some of your readers and this message needs to get out to the L.O.A. community BIG TIME.
        So many “spiritual” people hear of someone ill and think they are this bitter, twisted, ungrateful individual as the result of negativity.

        “So, you can’t look at someone who has cancer and declare that they must have a lower vibration than someone who is healthy.”-Damn straight! 🙂

        Well Mary Carol has her sick days and she is lovely! 🙂

        So how come there are so many people out there that somehow their struggle is a spiritual failure?

        This answer really cleared up some things I mis-read here. I got the impression sickness was the ultimate result of negativity. (especially from the health blogs and other writings on health, not just yours) And this was a terrible thought for me as I’m not well, therefore the most failingist (yeah that’s a word now) of all the people here.
        In my mind, the more sick=the more L.O.A. fail. I feel VERY relieved this isn’t the case!

        LOL reading LOA created more limiting beliefs for me…ironic…

        As for being influenced, well I’d still say you were amiable and yes others contribute to the conversation, I jump in all the time and that’s where I got the idea as I noticed it tilted the direction of conversation by my presence.

        Thank You.

        • Hi Alice,

          I’ve had the same reaction sometimes to LOA interpretations – they’ve actually made me feel worse! I think the more you get into it, the more you realize that LOA isn’t ever about blame or ‘wrong.’ It’s all about appreciation and greater and greater abundance.

          Thanks for bringing up a point that I’m sure many feel but haven’t brought into the conversation here.

          Mary Carol

          • Avatar Alice says:

            Hi Mary,

            I needed to hear some kind words.. thank you. I am at a loss with my health and the person helping me out is making me feel uneasy…
            I just can’t relax. Other things but too personal. Oh to be completely self-sustained and at ease!

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