Awesome Dudette asks: “I read your post about soul mates and it makes sense to me that we’re not destined to necessarily be with one person. I was just curious if you could give some more insight with regards to how you can be honest with yourself about whether or not a relationship is no longer serving you. For me personally, I have learned to be very independent and it is my tendency to distance myself from others when an issue comes up or when I no longer enjoy spending time with the person (maybe due to a fear of thinking their negativity will influence me?). I think with the case of having a boyfriend, I am concerned that I will not be able to distinguish between distancing myself from my boyfriend because it is a defense mechanism to do so, or if it is because I should be moving on from the relationship.”
Here’s my answer:
I’ve written about this topic before, in When you Sense Danger: Is it Intuition or Prejudice?, but not specifically from a relationship point of view.
So, you’re in a relationship and you find that you have the urge to leave. Is it because you have some kind of limiting belief which causes you to sabotage yourself and run screaming for the hills every time things get a little too “real”? Or is it an indication that the two of you are no longer a match? How can you tell the difference?
Let’s assume that there are no obvious signs to get out (that would make it easier), like abuse or anything like that. Your boyfriend is a good guy, but you’re feeling some kind of discord, and you’re not sure what to do. Here’s my advice: Don’t focus on the action of staying or leaving. Focus on what you want (love, connection, etc.) and then wait until you are inspired to act.
Too simple? Don’t worry. I’ll explain.
Scenario 1 – Fear
Let’s say that you have a belief that would cause you to run screaming from an awesome guy. You feel fear and anxiety and an urge to leave. How is that different from the feeling you’d get if this guy was NOT a good guy and you’d be inspired to get away from him?
Focus on what you truly want, get really clear on it and give it all your energy. In order to do this, you’ll have to figure out what it is that you’re feeling. Are you nervous? Afraid? Dissatisfied? Bored? Yes, a fear (or limiting belief) could be at the heart of all of these emotions. If you have a belief that relationships sizzle out after a certain amount of time, you could become bored after a while causing you to want to leave. But this boredom would then just be a manifestation of that belief, not an indication that the relationship was actually doomed to be boring.
Let’s say that you’re feeling a general sense of dissatisfaction. Nothing big is actually wrong, but little things are starting to irritate you. You find yourself picking little fights and making excuses to be alone or with your friends. You seem to be pulling away and you don’t know why.
What do you want?
Don’t focus on your behavior here, as in “I want to be with my boyfriend and be happy about it”. Focus on how you want to feel. Perhaps you truly want to feel:
- Challenged (in a good way)
For the sake of example, let’s say that the word “safe” jumped out at you and caused an emotional reaction. You love the idea of feeling safe with your partner, of sitting on the couch at the end of the day, able to share your deepest feelings, KNOWING that they truly get you. You want to feel deeply connected and experience what it’s like to be able to be truly vulnerable with someone else, trusting them to accept you just as you are.
Focus on what you want
Focus on the feeling of being safe. Just reading the above paragraph will have evoked a little bit of that for you. Give all your attention to the feeling of what you truly want, and don’t worry about how that might come about. If your mind jumps in and snipes, “Yeah, but Roger doesn’t want to sit on the couch sharing feelings“, go back to the general emotion you want to achieve. Know that it doesn’t have to be on the couch and it doesn’t even have to be a conversation. It’s the feeling you’re after and you don’t have to define HOW you’ll achieve it.
Now, the Law of Attraction will start to bring you thoughts that feel safe. You’ll notice things in your reality that feel like that. You’ll turn on the TV and see a show with a couple that have this kind of relationship. You’ll notice a little old couple in the street who are clearly deeply connected. These are all manifestations of what you want, telling you that you’re successfully tuning into the frequency of what you want. Keep going.
As you do this, the general feeling of dissatisfaction will lift. You’ll start to feel closer to your boyfriend, even though he hasn’t done anything to deserve it. 😉 And as the manifestations become bigger, you’ll receive…
An Opportunity to release the belief
You may be inspired to have a conversation with your boyfriend at just the right time – a time when he is open to hearing you. You will be inspired to say just the right words, not defensive or accusatory words, but emotional words, describing how you truly feel and what you are afraid of. You will get clarity on how you truly feel and why and you’ll be able to share yourself more openly than you ever have. And that, in turn, will elicit a completely different reaction from him than you may have ever seen.
Or, you and your boyfriend could have a fight, which leads to you actually sharing some of your fears (and defining them more for yourself), and causes him to share his fears (men have just as much emotional baggage women do!). And as you both reveal parts of yourself that you’ve been keeping hidden up until now, you let your guards down and discover a closeness you never knew.
Another possibility is that your fears start to just dissipate, as you see more and more evidence of what you want and less of the stuff that you’re afraid of.
In any case, the resistance will be released and your relationship will be better and stronger for it.
Scenario 2 – Intuition
The guy is not right for you anymore and you have the urge to get away from him.
Focus on what you truly want, get really clear on it and give it all your energy. Follow the instructions above on defining your emotions.
Now, circumstances in your reality will shift to move him away from you. He will become more distant. If you keep your focus on what you want and align with it, everything that doesn’t match that will easily gravitate right out of your experience. He will just leave, no big explosive breakup, no fights. The Universe will make it easy (providing you keep focusing purely on what you want). Maybe his job will transfer him away, or he’ll meet someone else (this would not be a bad thing if you understand that the relationship is actually over), or you’ll have an amicable conversation where you both realize that it’s just not working anymore. In other words, you won’t have to be the big, bad bitch and leave him for what seems like a silly reason (try explaining “we’re just not a vibrational match anymore” to someone who doesn’t understand LOA…) It will be made easy for you.
Your actions don’t determine the outcome of things – your energy does. Whenever you find yourself torn between two options, go back to the basics. Figure out what you truly want and then focus all of your energy on that. Do that and the option that leads you to that goal the fastest will become very clear.