So, you met the girl or guy of your dreams. You’ve both fallen hopelessly in love with each other. The world is suddenly a beautiful place. Birds are singing, a gentle breeze is blowing, people everywhere are beautiful, and everything seems shiny and new. There is nothing but bliss. And then… you have your first little argument. No big deal. Arguments happen. You’re fine. Everything’s fine. Except… there’s this one little quality you never noticed before. It’s no longer perfect. You’re a little bit annoyed. But that’s ok. You can get over that. Nobody’s perfect, right? They’re still a thousand times better than your stupid ex. Yes, life is good. If only it weren’t for that other little quality you recently discovered. It’s nagging at you. Oh, and there’s one more thing that bothers you. You’re starting to have doubts. Are they the perfect one for you? You were so sure just a little while ago. Now, well, you’re finding more and more things that you just have to tolerate if you want to stay with this person. And as time goes by, there are more arguments, maybe even fights. You just disagree on so many things! How could you have been so wrong? They seemed so perfect, when clearly they’re just as bad as your stupid ex. In fact, they mysteriously have a lot of the same qualities. Ack! You have to get away from this person! Why are there no good women or men left in this world??
What the hell just happened? How did you go from absolute bliss and perfection to “what the #$%& was I thinking?” Are you just a horrible judge of character? Or perhaps you’re incredibly unlucky and you just keep falling for psychos who are excellent liars. Maybe there really are no good women or men left in the world. Are you doomed to keep meeting versions of your stupid ex?
The Good News
There are plenty of great potential partners out there. Women and men of awesome quality abound. You are not unlucky and you are not doomed. You’ve just fallen into a pattern, a well worn groove, a false paradigm of how relationships unfold. It’s the paradigm that’s doomed, not you. And once you understand how to get out of that groove and construct a different pattern, you’ll be able to experience a very different kind of relationship.
The Bad News
There is no bad news. Quit looking for bad news. What’s wrong with you? There is however…
The Annoying News
Yep, you guessed it. I’m going to tell you that it all starts with you, and that if you want to change your reality, you’ll have to make some changes within yourself. But don’t worry, I’m not going to send you out into the seemingly cruel world of love without some tools. First, let’s look at the main belief that causes most problems in relationships – romantic or otherwise.
It’s not their job to make you happy
The main problem with all relationships is that we keep looking for someone else who possesses qualities which we don’t, who will make us “complete” or happy. We think that if only we can find the right person, they will fill all the gaps in our life that we currently think we can’t. We are giving them the responsibility for how we feel. So, if they would only act a certain way, then we could be happy. And if they don’t act that way, we suddenly feel that we made a mistake. They’re not the perfect one. Well, I have news for you:
There is no perfect one. Stop freaking looking for the perfect one
Now, I know you’ve heard this before, but generally in the context of: No one is perfect, you have to make compromises. There are things you just have to learn to put up with and learn to be happy in spite of. That’s not what I’m saying here.
My point is that what the other person does and what qualities they possess are really irrelevant. It all comes down to your own vibration. Only you have control over how you feel. There isn’t a person out there that can act in a way that will make you happy forever. It’s never going to happen, so stop looking for that. And the answer isn’t to learn to look at someone super annoying and learn to love them anyway, probably through gritted teeth. There’s a different option: shift your vibration, become happy no matter what and attract a relationship that enhances that happiness. Attract someone who’s incredibly fun to play with, who is also happy, who can hold a high vibration when you falter (instead of bitching with you), who supports you in your wildest dreams and who you can grow to new heights with. Stop looking for someone to pull you out of the muck. Pull yourself out and attract someone who’s done the same.
When you make someone responsible for how you feel, you doom the relationship
The problem with most relationships is this: Both parties make the other responsible for how they feel. If only Dick would behave the way that Jane wants, she could be happy. And if only Jane would do what Dick wants, he could be happy. So, both are unhappy and blaming the other for it. And as time goes on, both get more and more miserable, until they decide that they’re not compatible.
You find what you go looking for
When people first fall in love, they tend to focus only on the parts of the other person that they like. There seem to be no negative qualities. The other person is “perfect”. And because they’re looking at their new partner with eyes of perfection, it feels good. This is important: The reason that you feel so good when you first fall in love is not because the other person hasn’t revealed their inner psycho yet. It’s because you’re looking at the other person in a way that Who You Really Are, your pure, positive energy self, totally agrees with. You think they’re gorgeous. Your inner being agrees. You think they’re amazing and intelligent and funny and kind. Your inner being agrees. You are focusing only on the positives and your inner being agrees.
But, we’re not supposed to just focus on someone’s positive aspects, are we? We’ve been taught to be more realistic than that. Because, if we don’t go looking for and discover all their flaws, we’re living in some kind of dream world (albeit a really happy one), and well, um, I forget… What exactly is wrong with that? But I digress. We’re supposed to face reality. And so, we begin to slowly but surely look for qualities that we don’t like. Maybe something we can “fix”. And, as we begin to focus on annoying character traits, the Law of Attraction begins to bring us more and more of them until we declare that we were obviously mistaken. They’re not perfect at all and we can no longer see why we ever thought they were.
How about we change the pattern?
Your relationships are mirrors to your vibration
All of your relationships, friendships, family, business, romantic, etc, are mirrors for what’s going on inside you. Let’s say you have a fear of abandonment. Guess what? You’re going to attract people that abandon you emotionally or physically. Your beliefs and what you focus on are quite literally creating your reality. And if you change your energy, if you release some of these beliefs and raise your vibration, your relationships will change. If possible, you will meet up with a different version of the people you know. That means, if a version of them that matches your new vibration exists, you will meet up with that version. If it doesn’t, they will gravitate out of your existence and you’ll attract new relationships that are a match.
If you don’t clean up your vibration, you’re doomed to recreate the same mess over and over again
If you’re currently in a relationship that’s less than stellar, you may be tempted to just quit and try to start over again. We often think that’s the solution: Break up and find someone more suitable. Except, since you’re the one who attracted this relationship, and ALL the details that go with it, you will continue to attract the exact same scenario over and over again until and unless you change your vibration. And it’s actually easier to do that if you have someone to mirror your energy back to you (in most cases. See below for when it’s time to get out).
How do you clean up your vibration?
- Take responsibility for the way you feel. They can’t make you happy. No one can, except you. If you’re experiencing negative emotion, it’s an indication that you have a belief or a thought that isn’t serving you. Stop blaming them and work on becoming happy no matter what.
- Whenever you do experience negative emotion, stop and think: “What am I focusing on right now?” In whatever way you’re looking at that situation, isn’t in line with how Who You Really Are is looking at it and it isn’t serving you.
- Change your perspective on that subject to one that feels better and shift your vibration.
- Go back to looking only at your partner’s positive qualities. Make lists of what you love about them, what you’re grateful for. Deliberately work yourself into a higher vibration on this subject.
- STOP looking for things to disagree with or criticize. Stop being so damn “realistic”. The goal is not to ferret out all possible versions of your partner – the good, the bad and the psycho. The goal is to be happy. This is not denial. Denial is focusing on someone’s negative qualities and pretending to be ok with them. That will destroy your soul. I’m recommending not looking at those negative qualities at all and focusing purely on the positive ones.
How to know when it’s time to get out
Now, while it’s generally easier to shift your vibration while still in the relationship, there are times when it’s more beneficial or even necessary to get out. If the evidence of your current vibration is so compelling, if it’s so distracting that you’re unable to shift your energy, then it’s best to break off the relationship and go your separate ways.
- If the relationship is physically or emotionally abusive, break up.
- If either party feels that being with the other causes them to sharply spiral downward, in other words, if the mere thought of your partner puts you in a horrible mood that takes you a long time to pull yourself out of, break up.
- If the relationship you’re in is so dysfunctional that you can’t even imagine a better one, break up.
These are just a few examples. Bottom line, if the situation you’re in is so negative that you’re unable to focus on something more positive (and only you can decide when a relationship meets that criteria), it’s better to get out and THEN clean up your vibration.
That last point, however, is key: you must change your point of attraction (your vibration is what determines what comes into your reality) if you don’t want to re-create the same mess over and over again. If you can’t do this while in the relationship, do it after you’ve broken up. But remember that breaking up is not a solution to the problem. It may be a necessary step, but that’s all it will ever be.
You haven’t even scratched the surface of what’s possible
Once again, I know it’s annoying to always have to work on ourselves. Can’t a psycho bitch ever just be a psycho bitch? But the wonderful thing is that you really can change, even drastically, what kinds of relationships you attract. You can transform the connections you currently have in your life as well as improve who comes into your existence from now on. I promise you this: even in your most elated, struck blind by love moments, you haven’t even scratched the surface of realizing the amazing awesomeness of what’s achievable in a relationship. Once you begin to take responsibility for how you feel and what and who you receive into your world, you’ll be shown possibilities beyond anything you’ve ever imagined. No matter how good you think it can get, it can get better. 🙂